28: Caring For Your Needs as a Highly Sensitive Parent
With Amy Lajiness, LCSW, PMH-C
Are you overwhelmed and exhausted trying to be the perfect parent? In this episode, I talk with Amy Lajiness, LCSW, PMH-C about highly sensitive parenthood and:
• What to do when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and touched out
• How pregnancy and parenting multiple children can increase overstimulation, leading to panic attacks, rage, or somatic symptoms
• Creating a sensory toolkit and finding micro pockets of time to take the edge off the anxiety and reconnect with yourself as a human
• Ways to get support when you’re the sole parent or don’t have others to help
• The importance of disconnecting from the parenting advice noise to reconnect with your own values as a parent
• Modeling and reinforcing your needs to kids who are not developmentally able to understand boundaries or self-care
• Remembering that you don’t have to be perfect to be good enough as a parent
Amy is a Licensed Therapist and Coach who has spent countless hours supporting Highly Sensitive (HSP) parents in reclaiming their peace and confidence. Amy is a Highly Sensitive Person herself as well as a mother of two highly energetic young children. Amy holds certifications in Perinatal Mental Health and HSP, and is passionate about providing resources for HSP parents, teaching them how to harness their strengths and manage challenges with grace and confidence, in order to thrive in parenthood.
Keep in touch with Amy:
• Website: https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/highlysensitiveparenthood
Resources Mentioned:
• Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/get-help
• Highly Sensitive Parenthood + Supporting Your Highly Sensitive Child Courses: https://www.highlysensitiveparenthood.com/courses - use the coupon code SENSITIVESTORIES at checkout for 25% off!
• Coaching with Amy: https://highlysensitiveparenthood.mykajabi.com/coaching - use the coupon code SENSITIVESTORIES at checkout for 25% off!
Thank you to Cozy Earth for sponsoring this episode.
Cozy Earth offers super soft and sustainably sourced bedding and loungewear. Use discount code SENSITIVE at checkout for up to 40% off. https://cozyearth.com
Thanks for listening!
You can also follow "SensitiveStrengths" for behind-the-scenes content plus more educational and inspirational HSP resources:
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This episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Some links are affiliate links. You are under no obligation to purchase any book, product or service. I am not responsible for the quality or satisfaction of any purchase.
Episode Transcript
Amy Lajiness: 0:00
Sometimes, as parents, our experience might just be. The days are overwhelming for us, and instead of existing at a 7 out of 10 all day, at this brink of a panic attack, can we bring ourselves down to a 5? And if so, can we see that as successful? Or can we see that as motivating to continue to make some more changes?
April Snow: 0:26
Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author, april Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this episode, I talk with Amy Lajanus about being a highly sensitive parent, how to manage the constant overstimulation, and getting creative about getting your needs met even if you don't have help, and softening expectations so parenting feels more sustainable and enjoyable. This conversation will be helpful for parents and also anyone in a supportive or caregiving role. Amy is a licensed therapist and coach who has spent countless hours supporting highly sensitive parents in reclaiming their peace and confidence supporting highly sensitive parents in reclaiming their peace and confidence. Amy is a highly sensitive person herself, as well as a mother of two highly energetic young children. Amy holds certifications in perinatal mental health and high sensitivity and is passionate about providing resources for HSP parents, teaching them how to harness their strengths and manage challenges with grace and confidence in order to thrive in parenthood.
April Snow: 1:49
For more HSP resources and to see behind the scenes video from the podcast, join me on Instagram, tiktok or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths, or sign up for my email list. Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom. Email list Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom. And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Let's dive in. So, amy, can you start off by telling us your HSP discovery story, how and when you realized that you're highly sensitive?
Amy Lajiness: 2:42
Yes, so I think there's a few different parts to this story. When I was a kid, I definitely had that experience of being told, you kind of understand what's going on and being the person that people would come to for advice. So I had the sense of I was empathic as a kid, which I know is not quite the same thing, but it's a kind of a building block. So that's where my awareness of okay, I'm a little different or this is a unique aspect of who I am started and I don't think I learned about the word HSP or being highly sensitive until I was probably in my early 20s or so, and it did resonate at that time, but I wasn't super focused on what that meant in my everyday life. It was just like, okay, that's interesting, all right, that connects. But it really wasn't until I had kids my first child, but especially after I had my second child that I really came to understand how my sensitivity was a part of my daily experience. It just sort of amplified it, which I see with other parents too.
Amy Lajiness: 3:47
Pregnancy and postpartum can certainly amplify the sensitivity and the other traits of being an HSP that we experience, and so that's my origin story. I think a lot of it honestly came from realizing initially was realizing oh my gosh, I'm so overstimulated, I'm over-touched, this is too much for me. So it was sort of the negative aspects or the challenges that brought HSP to the forefront. And then, as I unpacked it a little bit, more for me personally, I was able to also see the gifts of sensitivity and attunement in my personal life, but also as a parent, and so it really actually dovetailed quite a bit with my clinical work as a therapist as well. So I was learning from my life and from my clients, and we were just all learning from each other. So that's how I kind of figured it out, and I feel like I'm still figuring it out. We're all just learning.
April Snow: 4:34
Right, it's such an ongoing process and I hear from so many folks that parenting was the piece that clicked it into place, whether being more sensitive during pregnancy or during those first few years and that big adjustment in life, or they have highly sensitive kids and they realize it through that. Yeah and yeah, it's this process of, I think, first tackling the hard parts of the trait and then eventually getting to the more positive experiences, because the more difficult parts are the ones that stick out to us the most.
Amy Lajiness: 5:06
Definitely, definitely. Those are the things that people come to therapy or come to coaching or come to other supports for. This doesn't feel good. I can't handle this. This is really difficult for me, or I feel different from other parents. Why can't I do it that way? I feel like I'm falling short, I feel guilty, and I certainly experienced some of that as well, and still do at times. But yeah, it can kind of bring it to the forefront for a lot of people.
April Snow: 5:29
Yeah, there is a lot of comparison that happens, I would imagine Could you share more about your personal experiences, if you're comfortable about being a highly sensitive parent.
Amy Lajiness: 5:38
Sure, yeah. So I alluded to earlier that it was particularly apparent after my second child was born, and I think I do share freely about this on my blog, so I have no trouble sharing it. But what really brought my sensitivity into focus was I had a really bad panic attack, I think, when my second kid, my baby, was like three weeks old four weeks old and I was nauseous and my vision was blacking out and I was scared because I couldn't take care of him. I remember I sat him down on my bed and it was anyway it was pretty scary.
Amy Lajiness: 6:11
It was very scary. So I thankfully got all sorts of support for that and was able to heal over time from that and make lots of adjustments, which is some knowledge that I pass on to the people that I work with. But I was a therapist at this point too. But to make all these connections when you're the person experiencing it isn't always easy. So after a lot of reflection and observations from other people in my life, I realized this is for me it was primarily about overstimulation.
Amy Lajiness: 6:38
So pretty bad panic attacks that I had following the birth of my second child often were times when I was parenting solo, when I was like alone in the house, responsible for both kids, and there's like a little over three year span between them, so my three year olds at the time he's now 10, but my three year old would be like crawling over me Mommy look at this, mommy, I want to see the baby and just like touching me and all over me, which you know for HSPs we often don't love that type of touch.
Amy Lajiness: 7:12
We might enjoy cuddles at times, but the kind of like crawling or tapping sensations were really hard for me. And so I specifically remember this one moment where I had my, you know, one month old baby breastfeeding so that's also a sensation right and has emotional baggage for a lot of people. And my three-year-old was just like climbing on my back and I just can't even describe the sensory overload that happened in that moment. And it yeah, it led to several, just kind of a series of panic attacks that were actually a bit confusing to me at the time because I wasn't fitting neatly in the category of postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety and I didn't have training in that I had a little bit, but not a lot at the time.
Amy Lajiness: 7:52
And so I was like what, what is this Like? I know I'm having panic attacks, but why are they happening? I don't feel I didn't have the hallmarks of traditional anxiety or depression. It really was about overstimulation. And so that's to me where a lot of this sort of self-education and learning from other people's stories and where my work with HSP parents was originally born in that very challenging, not just moment but period of life for me of that early infancy but also having an older, like a toddler, preschool age, which is that double whammy tends to be particularly difficult for HSP parents as.
Amy Lajiness: 8:30
I've noticed over time.
April Snow: 8:31
Yeah Right, I'm not a parent myself, but I've seen that with clients. I think it makes sense when you laid out, adding that second child creates a whole nother level of intensity around parenting, and I just think about you having children on both sides of you when your body has just been through so much giving birth again and already overstimulated, already exhausted, I'm sure, underslept, and then just having that be a kind of a breaking point. Yeah, absolutely.
Amy Lajiness: 9:19
Yeah, absolutely helpful. So talking to a doctor about what that might look like. And then obviously there's a lot of lifestyle changes. So things like adding more support in that is difficult. I know we're planning on talking about that more later in the show, but that's a big factor and a lot of us are under-resourced in terms of support and the downtime or the alone time that we get.
Amy Lajiness: 9:41
So learning to build that in and definitely also just some somatic regulation, so decreasing the intensity of inputs, the sensory inputs, and there's lots of different ways that I did that I think I learned to on a personal level. I learned to tap out at the end of the day, like I remember I was working at the time, but there were some days that I was at home with the kids instead of at an office, and so my husband would come back and I would kind of look at him like, uh, and eventually I didn't even have to do that anymore. It was just understood, or we had a conversation, that when he came home that I would have some time where I could go up and lay down and often that was depending on the day. I would just like inhale some essential oils. I would maybe cry a little bit, I might hop in the bath or the shower.
Amy Lajiness: 10:28
So just lots and lots of sensory regulation. And you know, if we can do that on our own and really take a break, that's great. But I also hear a lot from parents like I don't have that time, but how do I manage in the moment? And so taking those like mini breaks, like hopping in the bathroom for a few minutes and having something in there, that's going to be helpful. So just finding little pockets of time but also making some systemic changes, I guess, to like how much load was on me and how much support I had, and that tends to be so important not easy, but very important for a lot of parents to do if they're finding themselves in this situation.
April Snow: 11:07
Right, you absolutely need help. I've heard Dr Aaron talk about that. At the very least, you have to find somewhere to get help. Whatever that looks like Making some big changes and then also the little micro changes like have some essential oils tucked away in the bathroom, or maybe what other things could you tuck away in the bathroom for yourself?
Amy Lajiness: 11:25
Yeah Well, one of the things I talk about with clients is building.
Amy Lajiness: 11:29
I call it a coping skills kit and it can look a couple of different ways.
Amy Lajiness: 11:32
It can be like in a cute little basket or a little like a pouch like this that you can just like toss in your purse or your backpack or your diaper bag, and basically I use it as like a five senses sort of thing, so like mint or gum or candy or just something to kind of focus your attention back on your own body. I think a lot of the time I get at least my experiences in HSP is when I'm overstimulated, I'm both hyper attuned to what I'm feeling but also sort of disconnected from my body in a very unpleasant way. Yeah, yeah, so these are like pleasant sensory grounding tools. So it could be an essential oil or a chocolate or a ginger candy, or it could be like a photo of a loved one or a really peaceful place. It could be a reminder to listen to just a little handwritten note of affirmation or a reminder to listen to a certain song. So I like this tangible coping skills kit or even like a coping skills menu is another thing that.
April Snow: 12:32
I work on with people.
Amy Lajiness: 12:33
When we're in that place of overstimulation, we're not usually capable of saying gosh, you know what sounds good right now. I really should do this for myself. Know what sounds good right now? I really should do this for myself.
Amy Lajiness: 12:46
Often we're frozen or we're. You know, we're in fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode and we're not necessarily the best at knowing how to take care of ourselves. So if we have a list or we have a tangible little baggie that has our a few things just to turn down the volume a little bit oh, earplugs is another thing you can pop in there. Or dark sunglasses or something cozy little fidget toys it's not going to solve everything but, as I say, it'll take you down. If you're like an 8 out of 10 overstimulation, doing that might take you to a 6 and it might get you to a place where you can communicate to a partner. Hey, I need to take a break or pop your kids on an audio book or a TV show and lay down in your room for a little bit, so doing what you need to do at that point.
April Snow: 13:25
Yeah Right, utilizing whatever's available, whether that's another person to help you, buy you a few minutes, having tangible tactile objects that can support your nervous system, but just taking the edge off so you don't slip into that panic attack where your nervous system doesn't just feel completely overwhelmed and I imagine you need to do that throughout the day.
Amy Lajiness: 13:47
Yes, yeah. So one thing I hear from parents is like it doesn't work or like it doesn't help. I still feel that way and you know this is maybe not easy to hear, but sometimes it's not about getting back all the way down to zero or like three out of 10 calmness. Sometimes, as parents that's our experience might just be the days are overwhelming for us and instead of existing at a seven out of 10 all day, at this brink of a panic attack, can we bring ourselves down to a five and, if so, can we see that as successful or can we see that as motivating to continue to make some more changes and to really see it as a practice? So you mentioned, like you're seeing, like little changes, but also systemic, and I talk also about these micro I'm a social worker by trade so micro, meso and macro, these different levels of, I guess like self-intervention, and so what would it look like to have those micro breaks during the day?
Amy Lajiness: 14:41
What does it look like to have those meso breaks? It could be daily or it could be a couple times a week, where you know that you have some downtime or you know you have childcare covered and you plan to really care for yourself well during that time and attend to your nervous system and tend to who you are outside of parenthood, which is another whole can of worms that can certainly come up for HSPs too, because we are dedicated people, we are intentional, we are thoughtful, we are values driven, and so sometimes we can get lost in the weeds of parenting and parenthood and kind of forget about our own selves.
April Snow: 15:16
Yeah, it's true, you want to give everything to your children, especially sensitive people, and we care so deeply and we're thinking about the big picture all the time. That can get really overwhelming to think, well, I can't stop, I need to do this or that. So how can we accept that it's okay to take breaks? Because you talked about the comparison piece, looking at, well, this other parent is doing X, y, z, or the other parents at my kid's school are showing up to every meeting or activity or going to all the classes. How can we manage the guilt? I know it's a big question yes, yes, yeah.
Amy Lajiness: 15:52
I mean, oh my gosh, that comes up all the time, honestly, and you know, one of my favorite ways to address that is just sort of like a curiosity and an openness to what. Would it like to make some changes? What would happen if we made these changes? And if you, let's say, say no to something or decide, you know, I'm not going to volunteer at my kids super overstimulating field trip for this week, for example, and instead I'm going to use that afternoon off of work to get a massage or to lay down and read or go on a walk. How does that change how I feel during that time? How does it change how I feel at the end of the day when I'm engaging with kids or other loved ones? And I mean basically whenever people make decisions to pull back from things that overstimulate them doesn't mean we need to get rid of them completely, because sometimes we make that choice to kind of sacrifice a little bit to do something that is, values rooted for ourselves, but just to observe, does this make a difference? And, on the flip side, being able to look at days honestly but self-compassionately, to look at days where we really kind of overbooked ourselves or we overdid it, even if it's things that are important to us oh, like I want to, you know, get on the floor and play Lego with my kids, and then I want to take them to the zoo, and then I want to do this and that Most HSP parents cannot. We don't tolerate that level of intense activity very well, and so on the outside it might look like gosh.
Amy Lajiness: 17:25
I had a great day as a parent, like check, check, check. I did all the things, but that's not sustainable for most of us, and sustainability is the name of the game. Parenthood, I like to say parenthood's relentless. It doesn't stop for most of us, it just kind of keeps going. A lot of us are 24-7 parents not everyone. There's different family structures and all that but it's important that we make our parenthood and the way that we parent sustainable for us, and so reframing that, as are you actually asking people or asking yourself are you a better person? Quote better, I'm putting the big air quotes here but are you a better parent according to your own values and goals, when you take that downtime or when you don't say yes to everything you possibly could, and often the answer is yes.
April Snow: 18:11
So yeah, it's like a quality over quantity mindset. Yes Can we show up less, but when we are showing up in the certain activities or playing Legos, going to the zoo, are we more present. We have more to offer our kids, more space for connection, versus just getting through it.
Amy Lajiness: 18:31
Yeah, yeah, I completely agree with that, and every parent's different, but I would say there's a pattern that when I meet with parents who are really overstimulated, often either they have a very, very demanding job outside the house and then they're trying to balance that, or they are at home with their kids almost all the time and have not enough support, and so there's this sort of like lack of balance of taking care of their own needs. That almost always shows up in one way or another and another approach to that guilt. Another thing to think about is sort of the history of parenting and parenthood, and I like to tell people I don't know where this came from, so don't quote me on it but that parenting like that word, didn't even exist until the 1970s. It wasn't really. Yeah, isn't that fascinating.
April Snow: 19:18
That's amazing.
Amy Lajiness: 19:20
It's like this huge zeitgeist today of this, like people are writing about it and I mean I've made a whole business about it right Like people are seeking out information and dialing into like what does it mean to be parenting? And you know, historically not only was there a lot less for better or for worse, a lot less research and a lot less pressure on parenting in a specific certain way. There's pluses and minuses to that, certainly. But also, if we look through, like the all of human history, we were living in a very different circumstances where we had communities and we had other people who were collectively child rearing for the most part, for the most part I know there's exceptions to this but where we weren't, as parents, responsible for our children 24-7 and we weren't responsible for all of the things feeding, educating, playing, laundry or attending to all their needs. There's different people to help support with that. It was a village or community.
Amy Lajiness: 20:29
My theory, anyway, that our brains and I think about this for HSPs in general too that our brains aren't really adapted as humans, but especially as HSPs, to handle the onslaught of all of these demands all the time, and I find that to be. I mean, in some ways it's a little sad, but it also, to me, feels freeing that if that bar is just so high, can I make my own bar about what it means to be like a good parent or to live the kind of life that I want to live. If I can recognize gosh, my body and brain aren't really adapted to do this all by myself. Can I have a little more self-compassion that I really am doing the best that I can, even when I make mistakes?
April Snow: 21:00
Absolutely. It's not about being a perfect parent. I think we know that as being therapists that the good enough parent is more than enough. Yes, and it's great for kids to see you model imperfection and emotional regulation. They need to see that. So can we take the pressure off? Right, and what you're saying is so valid. We used to have so much more support, as parents often had a whole community behind them or family behind them, and a lot of times people are doing it all by themselves and that's a lot to hold on your shoulders like guilt pieces.
Amy Lajiness: 21:39
Can we just reframe this? Can we take away this expectation of you? Know it's exacerbated by social media and, frankly, a lot of parenting experts too. I'm not going to name names, but I tell clients just you know, take things with a grain of salt or maybe consider unfollowing some people if you're feeling just a sense of falling short constantly. You are the expert on your kids. You're the expert on what it means to be a good parent, according to you, and so spend some more time listening to that and a little less time absorbing all of the opinions of all of the experts that have opinions about everything Exactly.
April Snow: 22:15
Like you said, come back to your own values and goals and maybe look at your kids. How are they doing?
Amy Lajiness: 22:20
Yes, absolutely.
April Snow: 22:21
Yeah, they don't need all of the bells and whistles necessarily. Yeah, so you're saying you know, bake in time for yourself, make sure that you're being realistic and looking at what's happening in your own family with your own kids, and then have that emergency kit for when you need it. Yes, let's say you're a parent who doesn't have a spouse or partner or family member nearby to call and say, hey, I need a timeout, I need to tap out. What can you do then to get through?
Amy Lajiness: 22:54
Yeah, okay, I have some ideas here, and again, it definitely depends on your situation. As I mentioned, a lot of us are very under-resourced and so also side note on that please don't compare yourself to other people If you are well-resourced comparatively. I hear that a lot. Well, I do have a supportive partner my in-laws are in town and they can help but it still feels like not enough. Basically, I've not met an HSP parent who gets enough downtime. We're all just doing the best we can, so no comparison there, but okay. So some ideas for how we can look for support when it's not necessarily easy to access or baked in. So a couple practical ideas here. One is if there's a gym or a other type of community center in your area For me locally it's the YMca, where there's like a child watch element I want to say near me that it's like maybe with a child care element, it's like 100 bucks a month, so it's a bit of a spend, but you can drop like one to two hours of child care every day starting. I want to say it's like six weeks old and you can go exercise and have your child get watched. So it's quite affordable if you break it down and you're using it all the time and I know a few people who use that and they don't even necessarily exercise. They might just like go lay down in the community room or like stretch on a yoga mat somewhere. So that's a great thing to try out. There also are, you know, depending on where you are, like libraries or churches or other community centers that offer child care nights or mom's morning out or things like that that are often relatively inexpensive. So it might be worth looking into that. Let's see.
Amy Lajiness: 24:29
The other idea that I had too was thinking about ways where in which you can be a parent, so like you might need to have your kid around. Let's say you have an infant who's breastfeeding every or chest feeding every 30 minutes or an hour. You might have a hard time being totally physically away from them, but can you go on a walk, like? I did a lot of baby wearing, but there were times that did not feel good for my body, especially when I was on edge. So, you know, put the, put the baby in a stroller or in a car seat and let them relax like push, push them around.
Amy Lajiness: 25:06
You get to move a little bit and there's a little bit of emotional and physical distancing, that can happen. A little bit of nervous system reset, that can happen when you're doing that. And if it feels good to fully walk in and run, great. If you're just doing a slow little meander and mindfully taking in the trees and the fresh air and doing some deep breathing, that's great too. So there's some creative ways to still be with your kid but to find those moments of being less stimulated but sort of together almost.
April Snow: 25:39
Yeah, yeah, right, you might have more resources available than you think, and there are creative ways to use what you have to get that break, whether it's a touch break or just be able to slow yourself down. Let your nervous system settle a little bit, because I think we forget that there are those YMCAs out there, the churches, the community centers. You don't know that, oh, they actually offer childcare, which is great, and you can be close enough by if you're feeling maybe a little nervous about that or there's something you haven't done before, and I love that, even if that's not available. Go on a walk, yeah, get the stroller out, and then the baby gets to, or the child gets to see the world a little bit, and you get a little bit of a break.
Amy Lajiness: 26:23
Yeah, and nature is super regulating for everybody.
Amy Lajiness: 26:29
I'll never forget when my niece who's now like 16, was a few months old she was just screaming her head off and I was maybe a teenager at that time and I held her and I just took her outside and just like put her face right in front of a flower and she just immediately calmed down and like started reaching out of chubby little hands to grab it and you know, the tears were forgotten.
Amy Lajiness: 26:50
She was totally fine, and I actually also am an ecotherapist. I do nature-based therapy too, so I'm a big nerd about the research on how nature helps us regulate it and reduces cortisol levels, and so just think of that also as an ally or a caretaker that you know for a lot of babies. Like you can set them out in the shade, in the grass and they will play with that grass or the sand for hours. Not every kid likes it, but thinking about things like that, that might take a little bit of the pressure off of you to be engaged with your kid and can you just be in your own body and have them be doing something else for a bit.
April Snow: 27:25
Yeah, and how beautiful to let nature regulate you and them. It's just a win-win. Yeah, when my nephew was little, I would take him out and we would touch leaves, or he would just watch birds. Yeah, kids tend to love nature.
Amy Lajiness: 27:40
They do. It's built in and it's free and it really is available, I would say, almost anywhere, even if you're in an apartment, somewhere you know, setting your kid by the window and having them look out at the clouds passing by or the birds going by, so, or even having a plant in your house Things like that.
April Snow: 27:58
Right, they can interact with Mm-hmm yeah, or like building a sandbox, or like a sensory experience when they're a little bit older.
Amy Lajiness: 28:07
Yeah, there's so many options.
April Snow: 28:08
Yes, absolutely.
Amy Lajiness: 28:09
And the kids can get lost in.
April Snow: 28:10
I love that. Now let's say you're kind of setting these things up for yourself, you're working on creating space for yourself, whether it's kind of parallel play with your child or having them with someone else. If they push back, let's say they don't quite understand, parent needs some alone time or doesn't want to be touched as much. How do we manage that when there's pushback from the kids.
Amy Lajiness: 28:36
It's really hard. It is a tough question. I think it. Obviously it really depends on the age of your kids and where they are developmentally, and there's so many factors with this too. I've worked with parents HSP parents whose kids also are higher needs or have just other sensory needs where they are constantly kind of touching, and so in that case sometimes the child might need some support from occupational therapy or other types of support.
Amy Lajiness: 29:02
So it's something to think about too, that it might also be not a deficit, but just something to support your child in. I think it depends on the age of the kids, how we communicate with them about our needs. So the question because you sent me this question in advance and the question to me is so binary it's like they don't developmentally.
Amy Lajiness: 29:21
They don't understand it, they don't get it at all and and I would push back a little bit and say, what do they get Like? What part of it do they understand? Do they understand? Even a toddler or preschooler might understand privacy or need for privacy or like that's too loud, let's be more quiet. A baby is kind of a different situation like an actual infant.
Amy Lajiness: 29:42
like, yeah, you're not going to be able to communicate that to them, but once they hit I don't know 12, 18 months, they are gonna. Especially 18 months and above, they're going to be able to understand a little bit. They might not like it, but they can understand to some extent. So what I see sometimes is parents getting stuck in. They don't understand. But the way that they tried to communicate it to them, let's say when they're 18 months old and now the child's like two or two and a half and they haven't really tried something new or tried that thing again. And kids change so quickly in terms of their ability to comprehend and their ability to sort of like not to self-regulate but to kind of entertain themselves, I guess. And so I always check in and say like it's okay if it's still true, but like, how recently have we tried this and have you tried some new things? Now that your child is a little older, have you given them the benefit of the doubt? Just to check in? I do think modeling sometimes can be helpful.
Amy Lajiness: 30:40
So one thing I did when my kids were pretty little I want to say maybe two or so is they would do this thing that was very annoying to me, which I'm purposely using that word because I hear clients say, oh, my kid was so annoying, oh, I feel bad. I shouldn't say my kid's annoying and it's like well, sometimes you feel annoyed by the things that they do. That's okay, that's just the reality of B2. So anyway, they were. They kept on like mommy, mommy, mommy and tapping me on the shoulder or wherever on my body.
Amy Lajiness: 31:11
It could have been anywhere and yeah, with a 14 month old I could have tried, but they wouldn't have understood very well. But at 18 months or 24 months I could say to them that doesn't feel good in my body. Can you just place your hand on my arm and say excuse me, mommy, or just say mommy once, and then I will reply, and then you're kind of reinforcing that, right? So if they do that, excuse me, mommy, and just place their hand, okay, thank you for waiting, that was okay. Now what can, what do you need, what do you want to say? And so you're kind of like reinforcing that behavior.
Amy Lajiness: 31:40
It's kind of basic behavioral psychology, but modeling to them and you can even show them. You know, it doesn't feel good when I tap you a bunch of times maybe, but does it feel good when I place my hand on your back and say, excuse me, that feels nice? Doesn't it so kind of meeting your kids where they are developmentally and trying to communicate and model to them what feels good for you and what doesn't feel good. So that's one way to answer the question. Again, it's a huge question. I think I did mention walks as a nice little hack, another thing that is controversial, so you can take it or leave it whoever is listening. But is I came up with this one, the screen time minimum?
Amy Lajiness: 32:19
So we'll talk about screen time maximums right, like, okay, like no more than 30 minutes a day or no more than an hour a day or no more than one show. And again, this is controversial because I know and I believe the research about screen time and kids and how it impacts them. I also know that there are plenty of really lovely, peaceful shows. I have partial things like Puffin Rock that was on like 10 years ago, that are pretty mellow, somewhat educational. Octonauts is another good one and that the kids like, and they at least my kids don't get too dysregulated after watching it, which is another factor. But here's the thing is that again, we're aiming for being the best parents we can be and sometimes that means making sacrifices in one area so that we can improve in another. Right. So if I notice, for example, oh my gosh, I'm really touched out, I am about to lose it if I don't take some time to eat something or to take a shower or whatever and let's say I have kids who are two and five, for example I might say, okay, it's time for every day I expect myself to use, let's say, 30 minutes of a TV show for the kids and that's my predictable time where I can do what I need and I can be relatively certain that they're going to be entertained at least for part of that time.
Amy Lajiness: 33:35
I know sometimes kids don't sit still during those shows too. So if that's you, I hear you. But in lieu of having somebody else actually there to help watch the kids, in lieu of not having the level of support that all of us deserve as parents you know, consider what a screen time minimum, one show per day where you know you have that time your kids know it's kind of downtime. If you're opposed to actual screens, you can also think about doing like an audiobook player for kids, some other sort of like downtime coloring time. My kids would not sit still for something like that, so I just went with screens. But yeah, think about how that might get built into, because you do need that self-care and alone time and I would say for most parents it's the payoff of you getting that is a lot more significant than any detriment that your child will have from watching 20 minutes of a.
Amy Lajiness: 34:26
TV show, again, personal opinion, controversial probably, but that's what I think.
April Snow: 34:31
Well, I mean, you're thinking about the big picture, right? Not the individual moments, but overall. What do I need to put into place to be the best parent I can be? Yeah, it's not about the 30 minutes of screen time. It's about, oh, when I get that screen time, I can then be more engaged later, instead of I just think about the parent who's constantly feeling like they're just trying to do everything all the time and we eventually break down. I mean, you could say that with anything, yes, or even when you're not highly sensitive. Everyone has a limit, that's right, yeah. And so what can I put into place to take care of my needs? And 30 minutes of screen time, which can be kind of mellow? I just think about when I was little. I loved Mr Rogers and Lassie, and those were very relaxing shows, yes, and it allowed me to be occupied while my parents had some time, and it can be a win-win really.
Amy Lajiness: 35:29
I think so too.
April Snow: 35:30
Yeah. So speaking of that over-functioning, I've heard you talk about that before and there is that pressure to do all the things to be the perfect parents, but for someone that tends to get stuck in that letting the guilt lead the way or wanting to compete with non-HSP parents. So if we're finding we're getting stuck in over-functioning, what can we do? Can you speak more to that?
Amy Lajiness: 35:55
Yeah. So I mean, I think there's like a few different steps there. I think one is just recognizing that we are over-functioning. A lot of the time I see HSPs equating over-functioning with being a good parent, and if they function less than their absolute maximum 100% plus then they feel like they're failing. So a lot of it is that mindset around understanding when you're being perfectionistic or when you're setting the bar really high or getting stuck in over-functioning, just naming it for what it is, I'm doing too much.
Amy Lajiness: 36:28
I almost never hear HSPs say that, at least when I first get to know them. They usually think they're not doing enough or like I'm just scraping by, but being like wow, to get to the place where you're saying you know what, I really am overfunctioning and I deserve to slow down and rest. I just talked to a client about that a week or two ago and she was like huh, it was just like it was a novel concept. It was like this idea of so should I actually talk to myself, should I actually tell myself that I'm doing too much and I deserve to slow down? And I was like I would.
Amy Lajiness: 37:03
Yeah, like practice saying that to yourself because probably what's going on mentally is I'm not doing enough. I'm falling short. I need to do more. I'm not a good enough mom in this area. I'm not a good enough parent over here. So at least half the battle to me is recognizing when you are over-functioning and naming it for what it is and then committing to making changes and not feeling guilty about it. So that's like. I mean, it's a tall order, but you have to do that. I would say it's ideal to do that first and then make changes from there, if you can.
April Snow: 37:39
Yeah, at least starting to recognize because I think we're so used to pushing ourselves as HSPs because we're often told you're not doing enough or you're too sensitive, you know you're lazy all those negative messages that come in so we can get stuck and I just need to push all the time. And parenting, as you mentioned, it's a marathon. It's 24-7. And even if you're not with your kids 24-7, you're still parent and I imagine, still thinking about that role and, you know, thinking about your kids. So we need to just recognize I'm doing too much.
Amy Lajiness: 38:11
This isn't sustainable here is this idea of centering our own needs.
Amy Lajiness: 38:25
So many parents see that as selfish.
Amy Lajiness: 38:25
So many people see that as selfish, I think, especially HSPs, where we're like, oh, if I prioritize, isn't that wrong if I prioritize myself? I do think especially women a lot of us were socialized that way, unfortunately that centering our own needs is selfish and that we exist to kind of serve other people. And so I hear that a lot too of oh, it's selfish for me to take time for myself. I shouldn't do that. So, talking to a therapist or being a part of a group where you can and learn to dismantle that and say I deserve to have some boundaries, I deserve to take care of myself, and not only ideally. It is coming from a place of love for yourself, like I always want people to get to that place of I'm, you know, going to give myself a day off or 30 minutes to just reset because I care about myself, my well-being and I deserve to take that. But if that's not accessible which sometimes that's not then at least acknowledging if I don't do that it's not a great impact on the family or the loved ones or especially on kids. If we are dysregulated, if we don't get that downtime, if we're not caring for ourselves, if we're over-functioning, like you mentioned, april. Yeah, we burn out, we hit a limit and often that shows up as for everybody, as irritability, as shutting down.
Amy Lajiness: 39:41
I've worked with a lot of HSP parents for whom it shows up as not just irritability but rage, which can be very shocking and distressing because they're like I'm, a peaceful person Chris is coming from. I don't want this. I don't want to be this type of a parent, and often it's coming from a place of overstimulation of nervous system, over arousal, of not taking that time to pause and, you know, under function almost. So that's another kind of quip that I use sometimes is can you like be a bad I mean not a bad parent necessarily, but like can you be a bad employee today? Can you be like a mediocre parent today? What would it be like for you to not over-function? And maybe sometimes we need to aim to under-function a little bit in order to hit that balance right. But it's just an interesting mental exercise to see what would it be like to do that, how might it feel? We don't need to stay in that, but just to try it out, to see how much maybe we are over-functioning and over-processing.
April Snow: 40:40
Yeah right, step back and look at how are you showing up and I see that happen with a lot of clients who've become parents that they experience a level of anger, rage that they've never experienced before. It's like, well, you've never been probably this overstimulated for this amount of time and this sleep deprived. Your nervous system is yelling at, you needs something to be different, and so usually I mean that's a clear sign to then. Okay, let's reevaluate. How can I dial it down? How can I ask for support? What resources can I tap into? But it can be scary.
Amy Lajiness: 41:10
Yeah, it really can be scary and obviously if it reaches a point where you're having trouble keeping yourself safe or keeping yourself regulated, please get help. You know there's therapists, there's Postpartum Help. Postpartum Support International is an amazing nationwide resource and they have a helpline. Maybe you can link that in the show notes April.
April Snow: 41:30
I definitely will. I'm writing it down, yeah yeah.
Amy Lajiness: 41:32
So they have free online support groups for parents. So they're an amazing, amazing resource for parents and they can help. If you feel like I'm not okay, but I don't know what's wrong or I don't know how to get help, please call their helpline. They're fantastic, but a lot of the time that rage or that anger, we might think, oh my gosh, I'm the worst parent in the world, am I abusive?
Amy Lajiness: 41:55
I hear a lot like am I going to put my child in therapy in the future for what I'm doing to them? And, thankfully, like 99% of the time or more, it's nothing like that. It's just you've had a long day, you haven't gotten enough breaks. You see that there's an issue. You can write it with your child. Please notice all the great things that you're doing as a parent as well, but a lot of the times, they just need more support, more downtime, more tools and skills to self-regulate, and all of those things are accessible, again, with help and with support, and there is help and support out there yeah, thank you for outlining so many options at different levels that people can tap into.
April Snow: 42:35
So so I think we forget what's already accessible and that a little bit can go a long way, especially as an HSP, and that you're allowed to be a human as a parent and you're allowed to be imperfect. You're still a good enough parent.
Amy Lajiness: 42:51
Yeah, yeah, thank you for that.
April Snow: 42:53
If you could leave us with one message, anything that you would want highly sensitive parents to know, what would that be?
Amy Lajiness: 43:00
It's hard to narrow it down. I think I have two messages, if that's okay, please Two mini messages. Okay, the first is it goes off of what you just said, april, which is that you are also you're a person. You are your own person. So, yes, for many people, parenthood and being a parent is a it's a sacred duty. It's something that we lean heavily into and that brings us a lot of joy, but also a lot of overwhelm and a lot of, you know, intensity as well. And so my first message is find ways to honor who you are outside of parenthood, and that could look like taking a ceramics class, it could look like getting your yoga teacher training, it could look like working outside the home at a job that you enjoy and hopefully doesn't burn you out. But finding ways to consistently practice.
Amy Lajiness: 43:50
I know it's difficult I have been there with, especially with, little ones but to consistently practice a hobby or a spiritual practice or whatever reconnects you to yourself and to your creativity and to those aspects of who you are that, ideally, doesn't have a lot to do or has nothing to do with being a parent.
Amy Lajiness: 44:08
So that's number one.
Amy Lajiness: 44:09
A lot of people don't do that or they think it's selfish or superfluous and I just can't even tell you how healing it can be to do that.
Amy Lajiness: 44:15
Number two would be kind of similar but broader self-compassion and support. I know I've tooted the horn for that a lot but, like I mentioned, almost every HSP parent that I've met thinks that they should be able to do things on their own, even if cognitively they kind of can recognize that doesn't seem fair, but that's where they're operating from. Is this deep core belief that I should be able to do all these things with minimal support or with no support? But just know that you are likely a much better parent than you think you are. You're probably setting the bar too high for yourself and you're probably taking in some information about parenthood that you might not need to take in. I'm not saying not to listen to any advice, but to just consider, like I mentioned earlier, ways to dial into your own needs and your own intuition as a parent and kind of be able to tune out some of the noise of the parenting world and just taking a little bit from people that you know and trust and leave the rest behind and just trust yourself.
April Snow: 45:16
Yeah, I love that. Just coming back to yourself and clearing out the noise, I can imagine as a parent, there's so much coming at you all the time. Yeah, all the different theories and practices and expectations. Like, okay, let's just set that down for a minute. Yeah, thank you Totally. Yeah.
Amy Lajiness: 45:35
Yeah, and often it's coming from these HSP parents who are so committed and they're so values based on. I just want to be an amazing parent. I want to give my kids this type of childhood. So it's coming from this beautiful place, but it takes over. It can take over and be too much. Yeah, it's okay to slow down.
April Snow: 45:50
Yeah Well, amy, thank you so much for all that you shared today, and I really appreciate you coming on and talking about this topic. I know it's one a lot of people are going to need to hear, and I'll be sure to share the resources that you mentioned in the show notes along with your website, your Instagram, and then you have generously offered 25% off for listeners for your coaching packages and your courses. Can you tell folks a little bit more about those offerings?
Amy Lajiness: 46:15
coaching packages and your courses. Can you tell folks a little bit more about those offerings? Yeah, yeah, so this is born out of, hopefully, what is a parent, which is my passion for supporting highly sensitive parents like myself. So I have two courses available on my website. One is the sort of flagship, the highly sensitive parenthood course, and that is focused on the personal well-being of highly sensitive parents, so it's for parents who are highly sensitive and they are struggling, they're overstimulated.
Amy Lajiness: 46:40
That one I'm so proud of it. It has meditations and coping tools that go along with each module, and so there's lots of sort of built-in learning opportunities and things you can, resources that you can return to. So that's that. And then I have the Supporting your Highly Sensitive child course, which was born from basically requests from people like I liked your course, but I also have an HSP kid and I need to. I don't know what I'm doing. So, both for HSP parents and non-HSP parents who are raising highly sensitive kids, that's the course for them. And then I have a variety of coaching packages that are just 60 minute one on one sessions with me that can sometimes include the course and sometimes include multiple sessions. So you can find those all linked on my website.
April Snow: 47:23
Beautiful. It's so great that you have those one to one resources, but also things that people can take on their own time and tap into the coping tools that you talked about. That's exciting. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, we'll have to have a second conversation around supporting your HSP kids. We weren't able to get to that today, but I would love to have you back on for that.
Amy Lajiness: 47:43
Absolutely, I'll be there, yeah.
April Snow: 47:52
Thanks for joining me and Amy for today's conversation. I hope you're walking away with a reminder that being imperfect is good enough and that applies to all situations, whether you're a parent or in a caregiving, therapist or other supportive role, and that when you take a little time for yourself on a regular basis, it's not selfish. It's actually good for everyone, especially your kids. If you're a parent who's struggling to find balance or manage the overwhelm of parenting, head to highlysensitiveparenthoodcom. There you'll find Amy's courses and one-to-one coaching services, and you can use code SENSITIVESTORIES for 25% off. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind the scenes content and more HSP resources. You can sign up for my email list or follow Sensitive Strengths on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitivestoriescom for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.
