13: Less Guilt and More Recharging as a Sensitive Person
With April Snow, LMFT
Are you constantly doing more than you have the bandwidth for as an HSP? In this solo episode I answer two listener questions:
• How do you NOT feel influenced by the pressure from the non-HSPs in your life to do more?
• How do you manage social pressure/guilt that comes up when you need to recharge but feel you can’t say no?
April Snow, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist and author in California. She specializes in working with highly sensitive people to help calm the storm of overwhelm, anxiety, and self-doubt to allow their innate sensitive strengths to shine through. Deeply committed to changing the narrative of what it means to be highly sensitive, April has created and led HSP workshops all over the country as well as online through her Sensitive School. In addition to Find Your Strength: A Workbook for the Highly Sensitive Person, she has written Mindfulness Workbook for Stress Relief and The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person's Self-Care Journal.
Submit a Question: https://www.sensitivestories.com/ask
Additional Resources:
• Free Sensitive Self-Care Workshop: https://sensitiveschool.lpages.co/self-care-workshop
• Sensitive Sessions Monthly Support: https://www.sensitivesessions.com
• 5 Stages of HSP Grief and Acceptance: https://www.sensitivestrengths.com/blog/hsp-grief-stages
• 4 Steps to Prioritize Your Needs Without Guilt: https://www.sensitivestrengths.com/blog/guilt-free
• The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron: https://bookshop.org/a/63892/9780553062182
Thanks for listening!
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This episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Some links are affiliate links. You are under no obligation to purchase any book, product or service. I am not responsible for the quality or satisfaction of any purchase.
Episode Transcript
April Snow: 0:00
We're tired of hearing those messages that say be different.
April Snow: 0:03
The way to do that isn't to be like everyone else, it's more to. We have to look inward and meet our own needs. Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author, april Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this solo episode, I answered two listener questions how do you not feel influenced by the pressure from the non-HSPs in your life to do more? And how do you manage the social pressure and the guilt that comes up when you need to recharge but you feel you can't say no? For more HSP resources and to see behind-the-scenes video from the podcast, join me on Instagram, tiktok or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths or sign up for my email list. Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom. And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional.
April Snow: 1:25
Let's dive in. I did not feel influenced by the non-HSPs in your life to do more, to rush from one thing to the next, to cram more in. This is a common struggle for HSPs and one I have definitely dealt with myself. It's gotten a lot easier as I learn more about what it means to be a highly sensitive person and what our specific needs are. I still struggle with this quite a bit. It makes sense because we're often told as sensitive people throughout our lives, different stages of our lives, that we're not good enough, we're not doing enough or we're too much. We need to be less, less emotional, less slow, be more fast, make decisions quicker, be more social, be less impacted. There's lots of that messaging that comes in that says be different, be like everybody else, and we forget that there's value that we bring in our sensitivity, the value of noticing little details, of being really empathetic, of taking really good care of people in our lives, little details of being really empathetic, of taking really good care of people in our lives. But we can only do those things. We can only bring our creativity, our intuition, our empathy, our perception when we can take care of our needs, when we can actually have balance. And this is like I said. This is one that I struggle with a lot. I'm always having to stop myself from comparing Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Other people are doing all these other things.
April Snow: 3:06
I feel the pressure to do that too. So I really have to work to slow myself down, to turn my attention back inward, to remember that my needs are different. And that's okay, because when I push too hard, when I do too much, overcommit, I feel it First I'll feel irritable or I'll get a headache, something physical will happen, or my mood will shift, and then I often know, because my skin will flare up. I've been a lifelong eczema sufferer and there's a direct connection to stress. So when my nervous system isn't happy, my skin isn't happy and I can also start to feel really anxious when I'm doing too much. So there's lots of signs that show up and I wonder what that those signs are for you. Everyone has their own tells when you know you've crossed over the line and you're into overwhelm, you've overcommitted. But I understand the pressure because we want, like I said, we want to feel good enough. We want to soften those messages. We're tired of hearing those messages that say be different. But the way to do that isn't to be like everyone else, it's more. We have to look inward and meet our own needs.
April Snow: 4:14
So the first piece that's really important and you'll hear this from lots of different people is learning about the trait, learning about what it means to be a highly sensitive person, how your nervous system works, how your brain is different. Our brains are wired to pause, to think deeply, to notice. Our nervous systems are really attuned to our environments, not in a hypervigilant way, just in an awareness way, a calm awareness, taking everything in noticing the little details. There's value in that right. We need those people in our personal lives and our families and at work and our communities that notice the details, remember the little things. It keeps us all safe, it keeps us all emotionally nurtured and the sensitive people have a lot of value. But learning those things about yourself. So when other people are saying why aren't you doing it this way? Or why aren't you going out more, or why aren't you working later, or why aren't you being more ambitious or whatever it is Not that we're not ambitious, sensitive people, just in a different way we can come back to ourselves and realize and remember it's because I'm wired different, it's because I have different needs.
April Snow: 5:21
It's okay to go at a different pace. It's really important to remember that and unless we know that the trade is real and we really believe the trade is real, it's easy to get swayed. I always have to come back to myself, remember this is what's available when I take care of myself. This is why it's important to take care of myself in this way, and part of that learning could be reading books, could be spending time on social media accounts by HSPs. It could be being in community with HSPs, if that's available, and then just tracking your own experience. What do I notice that I personally need? And then creating some space for the disappointments of doing less, the grief of being different or needing to adjust what you hoped would be possible for you.
April Snow: 6:15
This can be really evocative emotional work to do Accepting that your needs are different, you're wired differently and that's not changing. That can be really hard to hear. It can be a celebration of discovering yourself, but it also can bring up a lot of difficult feelings, especially if you had an idea for yourself of living this fast-paced life or doing something that's not HSP friendly. It could be even harder if you have expectations from family or community or your current work environment. There's lots of different ways that pressure comes in. So just creating some space that okay, I'm going to agree that when I'm closing the door on, but then also recognizing what's available on the other side of that door closing, on the other side of that door closing, recognizing the beauty of being highly sensitive, the benefits of living a life that's aligned with your traits so I talked earlier about creativity, empathy, intuition, perception. Hsps were really amazing problem solvers, were emotional leaders, were really intuitive caretakers. We bring a lot to the table.
April Snow: 7:31
And recognizing what becomes available when you start to live in alignment with your trade, when you start to step away from the pressure to be like everyone else, and everyone will notice not everyone, but a lot of people will notice that maybe you're showing up differently, you're not showing up as much, but you're more present when you do, you're more available. When you do, you're more creative and you're more clear-headed, you're less irritable or anxious. There's a lot of things that will start to shift when you go at your own pace. So asking yourself what's available when I step out of that pressure, what's available when I stop rushing so much or I create a little bit of space between the things that I'm doing? What's available when I give myself a day a week to do nothing, to putter around the house, to stay in my PJs, lay on the couch, read a book and tinker around in the garden, go on a walk with my dog, head out to the woods or the ocean, whatever you love doing playing video games, cooking, cooking, crafting, it could be anything just spending more time with what's valuable to you and then again turning that gaze back inward.
April Snow: 8:47
Right, it's hard to do but slowly stopping or at least reducing the comparison, being honest with yourself about the quality of life, your energy levels, your health, your ability to connect. How do those things shift when you slow down? And then, how are they impacted when you rush and you do more than you're capable of? So these are just some questions to sit with and ask yourself. What do you need and what becomes available when you meet those needs? Do you manage the social pressure, the guilt that comes up when you need to recharge, that someone else wants something from you? This is something that I always go back and forth in my mind, because I want to meet people's needs right.
April Snow: 9:33
Very empathetic People mean a lot to me, the people in my life, so I want to say yes. However, when there's a no coming up I'm too tired, I'm just disinterested, I've had other plans for myself I start to have a conversation almost a negotiation, I would call it where I'm convincing myself why I should say yes. This happens less and less, but this is definitely something that I have to work at is not negotiating my needs away. So when someone asks me to do something and it's a no, trusting that no. But why is this so common? Why do we often feel guilty? Why do we question our needs? Why do we often put others first as sensitive people?
April Snow: 10:20
It's because we're highly empathetic. Right, we have more active mirror neurons in our brains, which is the part of the brain responsible for empathy. So we are much more empathetic than 70 to 80% of other humans, and with that comes guilt. So I like to say the two are correlated the higher the empathy, the higher the guilt, because we do care about people. It's hard to say no. We don't want to disappoint, we don't want to hurt someone's feelings, we don't want to risk harming the relationship.
April Snow: 10:52
Because another thing that we struggle with as HSPs, as sensitive people, is we have difficulty with conflict, I think mostly because conflict is overstimulating. It's really intense. It can be hard to deal with when you're more attuned to emotion and you're more empathetic and you're more easily overstimulated. Conflict can be intense. It can create a lot of uncertainty and anxiety. It's not easy to deal with and also we're used to being told that our experience is wrong. So it's easy to second guess yourself. This is definitely true for me.
April Snow: 11:28
You always hear that, oh, you're not really feeling this way or oh, it's not really that bad, or oh, you don't really understand that. When your intuition is maybe heightened and you know something without knowing why you know it and people discredit that because they don't understand it or they don't feel it. So we're often getting discredited or told that our experience is wrong or needs to be different. So there's a lot of self-doubt that can come in. So when you get asked a question, you get asked to go to lunch or to help a friend or a family member, or even just to have a phone call, and you don't want to do it. Maybe you're tired, maybe there's a part of you that says this isn't a good fit for me. Something in my gut says no, but then you question it because you're used to being told be different. So then your needs become really murky and unclear and it could be hard to stand up for those needs, to advocate for yourself, to put your needs at least in line with other people's needs. And so the self-doubt, with the guilt, makes it really hard to prioritize your needs and recharge when you're feeling overwhelmed or exhausted or irritable or you just want to have some time for yourself. We don't need a reason to say no. Sometimes we just want to do something different, we want to have some time for ourselves.
April Snow: 12:51
But it's easy to get swept away in other people's needs and so it's important to reconnect with why am I needing what I'm needing? Remembering that your needs are valid. So, first, remembering that you're a highly sensitive person. You have different needs for downtime, for rest, for meaningful connection and fulfillment. You have different needs for downtime, for rest, for meaningful connection and fulfillment, meaningful activities and self-care, so that's important to remember. And also, you're more easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. So remembering those pieces, reconnecting with okay, I have different needs and it's okay to meet those needs. So when I'm saying no to this request, it's because I have a need that needs to be recognized and that's okay. You're gonna have different needs from other people and they don't have to understand why you have that need. They can't. If they're not highly sensitive, they're wired differently. There's. They don't understand it's okay, that's not a problem, it's just a fact. Non-hsps and HSPs we have different experiences of the world. So just slowing down to ask yourself a few questions why do I need this and why do I need this now? Could be. I'm highly sensitive. I just need more downtime. It could be I've had a really overwhelming week and I need some time to myself. It could be I had some other plans for this time. I wanted to journal, I wanted to cook my favorite meal, I wanted to go for a walk, I had some things I wanted to do for myself. Those are all valid.
April Snow: 14:20
And then around the guilt piece. Guilt is I have done something wrong Different from shame, which is I am wrong or I am bad. Guilt is I've done something bad. So just check in with yourself. Am I doing something wrong? Here? You can just check in without guilt. Guilt is usually an automatic reflex because of that empathy. But just check in. Am I doing anything wrong?
April Snow: 14:42
Is it wrong to say no to a request? Is it wrong to rest when I'm tired or hit other plans and then ask yourself who knows your needs better you or the other person? I imagine most people don't have ill intent. They're not asking you to force you. They may be enthusiastic, they may be used to needing to encourage you to get you to come out, especially if you're a highly introverted HSP like me. But I imagine they're not trying to coerce Most people. There will be some, but most people are not trying to coerce, they're just trying to include you. So they need you to step up and say actually I need something different. And you can say a flat out no. Or you can say I can't do this today, but I'd love to meet with you next week. I can't help out now, but what about tomorrow? So there's a lot of different ways to approach your answer. So you get the downtime and the rest that you need when you're needing to recharge or just take care of yourself.
April Snow: 15:43
And then another really important question to ask is what happens if I ignore my needs right now? What's the consequence? So oftentimes we push through that guilt and we push through our need to say no, but there's usually a cost, especially if you're already depleted. So it depends whether it's at work or at home or with family or friends. You could be risking burnout. You could be risking illness. If could be risking illness. If you're pushing yourself too much. You could be risking feeling more anxious or depressed, having headaches, having physical symptoms. There's lots of different things that could come up if you're not taking care of your needs emotionally and physically. So just something to think about what are my needs, why is it okay to meet those needs and what happens when I don't?
April Snow: 16:44
Thanks for joining me for today's solo episode. What I hope you'll take away is that, although your needs are different, they are still valid, and that slowing down will allow you to have a better quality of life as a highly sensitive person. If you'd like to submit a question for a future episode, go to sensitivestoriescom. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind the scenes content and more HSP resources. You can sign up for my email list or follow Sensitive Strengths on Instagram, tiktok and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitivestoriescom for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.
