44: Grieving Through the Seasons
With Nichola Day, Yoga Therapist + Teacher
Are you carving out space to grieve? In this episode, I talk with Nichola Day about grieving through the seasons:
• Intentionally practicing rituals and finding community to honor grief throughout the year
• Prioritizing self-care and rest during times of grief
• Finding your personal and seasonal rhythms to reconnect with your values
• Unfolding the complexities of grief, from the acute loss to finding the lessons
Nichola is a Yoga & Mindfulness Teacher, and Yoga Therapist with her own business, 'Sensitive Yoga Therapy', based in the UK. She is HSP herself, as well as identifying as neurodivergent. She works to support other sensitives experiencing anxiety, overwhelm and burnout to reconnect back with their bodies, the natural world around them and their true authentic selves. She offers a route back to this through Yoga, Mindfulness, Seasonal Living & Inner Inquiry. When she is not working, Nichola loves to read, walk amongst trees and gaze at the moon!
Keep in touch with Nichola:
• Website: http://www.nicholaday.co.uk
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sensitiveyogatherapy
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@sensitiveyogatherapy
Resources Mentioned:
• Sensitive Soul Space monthly membership: https://www.nicholaday.co.uk/sensitivesoulspace
• Yoga Therapy: https://www.nicholaday.co.uk/one-to-one-yoga-therapy Use code SensitiveStories for 20% off.
Thanks for listening!
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This episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Some links are affiliate links. You are under no obligation to purchase any book, product or service. I am not responsible for the quality or satisfaction of any purchase.
Episode Transcript
Nichola Day: 0:38
What is worth me keeping hold of, what is not, what's going to drain my energy. I think this is a period of time that's really key for sensitives because, you know, a lot of us do have that tendency to take on too much, be a bit appeasing maybe people pleasing and it's that time when we can look to nature and think okay, the trees are letting some stuff go. What can I let go? What is really worth my energy?
April Snow: 1:15
Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author, april Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this episode, I talk with Nicola Day about slowing down to honor the rhythm of each season, tending to the complexities of grief through the seasons and how to care for our deeply feeling and grieving selves as HSPs. Nicola is a yoga and mindfulness teacher and yoga therapist with her own business, sensitive Yoga Therapy, based in the UK. She is a highly sensitive person and also identifies as neurodivergent. She works to support other sensitives experiencing anxiety, overwhelm and burnout to reconnect back with their bodies, the natural world around them and their true, authentic selves. She offers a route back to this through yoga, mindfulness, seasonal living and inner inquiry. When she is not working, nicola loves to read, walk amongst the trees and gaze at the moon For more HSP resources and to see behind-the-scenes video from the podcast.
April Snow: 2:36
Join me on Instagram, tiktok or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths or sign up for my email list. Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom. And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Let's dive in.
Nichola Day: 3:17
Hi April, how are you? I'm good. It's so good to see you again. Yeah likewise.
April Snow: 3:25
Well, Nicola, I want to welcome you back onto the podcast. I'm so happy that you're here to share with us once again.
Nichola Day: 3:30
Yeah, thank you. Really grateful to be here, thank you.
April Snow: 3:34
So you were on episode 33. We talked about seasonal self-care and we're going to be diving a little deeper into that topic. But before we start, I'm wondering if you could give us just a little snapshot what each season might teach us. If there's one thing that we learn, yeah so much, so so much.
Nichola Day: 3:55
I've been doing this for a while now personally and weaving it into my teaching for a while.
Nichola Day: 4:00
It's just so many layers to each season and I think, before I just get into each season, it's also worth just keeping in mind that within the seasons of nature, we also have our own personal seasons as well, which interact in this beautiful organic way.
Nichola Day: 4:21
It's almost like a lens, your own personal lens, through whichever season you're in. And I wanted to start with that because, for example, in the spring, you've got that energy of like renewal and growth and hope and kind of emergence after a period of dormancy. And if you are in a season of your life where you are generally in a bit of a winter, maybe a dark night of the soul or however you want to frame it, maybe you're never going to come to grief, maybe you are in grief you might not feel so springy yes, if you know what I mean but the kind of more typical energies of spring. So I just wanted to preface with that in case any listeners are thinking well, I'm definitely not feeling like that at this point. Equally, we might be in like a real summer phase of our life.
Nichola Day: 5:10
Maybe we're on a roll at work we're in a real good time, you know, with our family, and so maybe we don't feel like the hunkering down so much. So, yeah, I just wanted to start with that. However, that being said, I'll start with spring. It feels logical. It is that time when things are starting to, you know, warm up outside. We start to see those signs of nature more fully. There's nothing better is there than like a really beautiful spring day where the sun's out, you can see the blossoms on the trees and bulbs appearing, and I think it really does bring that feeling of hope. So it can teach us a lot about that kind of use of dreaming and what might lie ahead and feeling gratitude for nature, for example. I also think it can teach us and this is something that I've been working with a little bit because I think for me personally I don't know about any of the HSPs, but I think spring can potentially be one of the more challenging times for sensitives. I can talk about that a little bit in a while. But spring, I think, can teach us of the struggle involved in growth. It really doesn't happen easy, the leaves pushing through the earth. There's a great struggle involved in that. It's not like an easy transit, we just slide into full bloom. There's a real kind of pushing through the crust, almost, you know. So I think it can teach us a lot about resilience and perseverance and kind of digging into our foundations in order to, yeah, grow. And then, of course, you've got the summer, which often people describe it as their favorite time of the year. Not always I'm an autumn girl, but you know it can be a time to really anchor into present moment, awareness, abundance, joy. I think it also encourages us to lean into celebrating ourselves and really honoring our own kind of vibrancy, our own light, etc. And maybe teaching us about how to shine in our authenticity, maybe. And then we've got autumn, which is why I love autumn. I just love it so much. I love that bit where it transitions from late summer into early autumn. It's just gorgeous anyway.
Nichola Day: 7:38
Obviously it might seem a little bit obvious, but autumn can teach us a lot about letting go, about releasing.
Nichola Day: 7:43
If we just think about the life cycle of the trees citrus trees, obviously, but even evergreen, you know they'll draw their resources in, they'll let go of anything that they need, and one of the words I work with a lot in autumn is discernment. It's a real time to really think OK, we're going into the colder months shortly, what is worth me keeping hold of, what is not, what's going to drain my energy? I think this is a period of time that's really key for sensitives because, you know, a lot of us do have that tendency to take on too much, be a bit appeasing, maybe people pleasing, and it's that time when we can look to nature and think OK, the trees are letting some stuff go, what can I let go and what is really worth my energy? So, yeah, I really like that word discernment around that time. So, yeah, I really like that word discernment around that time. And then, of course, we've got winter, which is where we are right now as we're recording.
Nichola Day: 8:52
And rest, rest, rest, rest, deep hibernation rest. I think a lot of people shy away from this. Obviously, we've got a modern world which really wants us to believe the idea that productivity is a 24-7 thing and that is our worth can be surmised by what we produce. And it's just not true. We are nature. I know we like to pass ourselves up into neat boxes, houses, and you know we forget that we are nature and nature is cyclical. Everywhere you look it's cyclical.
Nichola Day: 9:28
And so this period of winter for the deep, deep rest, not just having a little nap like soul rest, you know, not being so busy in the mind, just coming back to your center. I mean, if you think about ancestrally, what would be happening in winter is, you know, they'd be enjoying their preserved foods, they might be gathered around fires, telling stories, huddling up and sleeping yeah, a lot. So just slowing down, it's not time to be busy. The other thing about winter and I've been talking a lot about this recently and in class with my students is about it's not just about rest. I mean, that's a huge part of winter, but it's also about the, the stillness and the introspection and what that affords us for the next part of the cycle. So when we are quiet, still we're resting. It gives us time to reflect and go. You know, on a practical level, our ancestors would have gone.
Nichola Day: 10:31
Hmm, that was the harvest this year, guys what what went wrong, you know how can we do better, what might we do differently next time around or whatever. And the same is for us. We can go into our metaphorical cave and and just reflect and think okay, what worked for me this cycle just gone by? And, importantly, what is it I value most? Am I living my values? And as the next cycle comes around, we then, you know, we'll come back around to that potential growth and that struggle, that kind of growth struggle in the spring. If we are not clear on what we value most and if perhaps we've gathered patterns that are not helpful for us, then when we do move into that growth, we might be pointing our compass in the wrong direction, as it were.
April Snow: 11:25
So each season feeds into the next, obviously, but when we live seasonally, the seasons teaches essentially about really coming back to ourselves, so that we can live not just in alignment with the external world but in alignment with our own inner world as well, which is why I love it it's so beautiful just how each season has a purpose and a rhythm and just having those spaces to connect with different layers of ourselves, whether it's the joyful kind of more extroverted part in the summer or the more introspective part in the winter, and just checking in how are things going? Am I living in alignment. I feel like there's not space to do that anymore and we're not slowing down to make sure okay, I'm, things are, okay, I'm on the right path. That's a big loss. We're constantly just pushing ourselves through and not discerning. Yeah, I love that word, you know. I love when you ask what is really worth my energy, because our energy is scarce, as in HSPs, and we do need that.
Nichola Day: 12:29
It is and it's, it's, it's not infinite. I think when you slow down you really start to understand how precious your energy is and maybe you know definitely what I have reflected on is just how, without thought, I have given my time and energy away. And it's precious. I was actually only saying yesterday to some friends about before I kind of discovered this way of living or started my healing path. I didn't actually realize my time and energy were my own. I know that probably sounds a bit odd. I didn't actually realize my time and energy were my own. I know that's probably sounds a bit odd, I don't know whether that resonates with listeners. But you know, fairly say fairly recent, probably late 20s, early 30s I started this kind of oh my goodness, my time and energy is actually my own. Yeah.
April Snow: 13:19
I think that's pretty common, that people forget that I definitely do like. Oh, actually I have choice over how I spend my time and worried about my energy, but there is so much external pressure and noise dictating what we should be doing.
Nichola Day: 13:37
Yeah, it's so easy to forget or to not even know it is, and it's not at all to have anybody feel bad if they um realize, oh my gosh, I've been pulled outside of myself again. I still get pulled out myself. But this is why this kind of seasonal living is so beautiful, because you're provided with constant touch points. You know, within each of those seasons you have got different things, like the equinoxes and the solstices solstice literally translates to sun standing still, so much like that you yourself can just pause.
Nichola Day: 14:15
You know, even within the vibrancy of summer you have that, that point in june to just stop and reflect. And, yeah, you can do a gratitude practice, you can think about how you're abundant, but it's also a chance to just get okay, how's the first part of the year gone for me? Am I in alignment? Where is my energy? Enjoy it back in as needs be. So I love those touch points because I think you know HSPs need those points more than most to just draw it back in, constantly drawing it back in.
April Snow: 14:47
Yeah, we really do, and it's helpful to see there's rhythms when, within each season, where you can go a little slow, touch down and then come back out looking at those little moments, that you don't have to just keep going at the same pace. You can slow things down, and so it sounds like. You know, winter is for me is kind of the natural grieving season and you talked about it being kind of a deep soul rest. We're going inward and as we go inward we touch into those deeper emotions. But does grief show up in other seasons?
Nichola Day: 15:21
yeah, I think it does it really does.
Nichola Day: 15:24
So I think I probably shared this last time, maybe I can't remember, but my first significant grief was well, actually it was probably a much beloved dog, but in terms of person, significant person passing, it was my dad in 2022, so still not that long ago and then that was followed by a very special lady, my husband's nan, but such a central figure in our family. And what I think has been interesting is that I think when a person dies, like the time of the year then kind of leaves its little signature on that time of the year. So my dad passed away in autumn and so for me it feels like a natural grieving time. It even feels like the trees are grieving. It's almost like a sorrowful energy as the trees are letting their leaves go, you know. So I think it can show up in all seasons, regardless, and and also regardless of when a person has passed away or whenever that loss has been felt each season brings with it something to bring that grief to the fore. So it could be a birthday, it could be, oh, a favorite tree. So my husband's nan she loved cherry blossoms and of course, you know, in spring, yeah, there they are and in actual fact, she chose a cherry blossom for us, so that's now in our garden, so it, you know, it can come up at any point.
Nichola Day: 17:05
And I also think, whilst I agree you know the winter, the darker months, is that natural inner grieving when you come into the warmer months, spring and summer. I think there's something about external reminders, external things that bring the grief perhaps more outward. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but like like a thaw, that happens. Yeah, I guess so, because you know it's almost easier to be grieving in the winter. You know people perhaps expect it people, yeah, you know, perhaps a little bit down in the dumps it's dark and I think it's more easily available and accepted.
Nichola Day: 17:50
But if it's a warm, sunny day, perhaps you're at the beach, perhaps you're at the park having a picnic and you're bringing up a grief or difficult feelings that you're having about somebody that you've lost. It can be difficult for other people maybe to sit with you in that and hold space for you in that, and in many ways I think, well, like I've just said, there's more reminders of the loss because perhaps your, that loved one, would have been there, you know, and also in the period of growth, when everything's growing and abundant, and I definitely found this with my dad, you know. It's just a reminder that the world is continuing to grow without them. Yeah so, and I think that can be really difficult yeah, that's heavy to think.
April Snow: 18:36
Oh I'm, I'm here experiencing this and they're not here with me, they're not seeing this moment yeah, we're getting to see the cherry blossom bloom this spring. Yeah it does bring that those feelings of loss come up easily yeah, and other feelings too.
Nichola Day: 18:52
I mean, you know, feelings of guilt can surface, I think as well, like, oh you know, particularly if you know joy and grief are not far apart, or joy and loss they're very, very close together.
Nichola Day: 19:11
You know, you can be one minute enjoying an ice cream in the sunshine, like having a really good time, yeah, and then choked up the next because you might be feeling obviously the loss, but you might also be feeling guilty that you're enjoying yourself and they're not here with you to experience it with you, or they're missing out, or all of those feelings. And also, I mean this is obvious, but just to call out, every grief is unique for me to have two deaths so close together, side by side almost, and very, very different experience, very different because there was very different feelings around those two people. And so the emotions that come up with any reminder, anything, I mean it could have been a small. It actually came up the other day for me. I was, my son was in this youth choir thing and there was a dad walking his little girl down the stairs to take her to the toilet, I would imagine and we were having a great time, you know, the kids were singing, and then it just catches you yeah, yeah, just in.
April Snow: 20:21
Yeah, some little reminder or emotion comes through and then you're there, yeah. Yeah, I appreciate you saying that, because there is this expectation to grieve in a certain way or in a certain formula, and you're right that each person grieves differently, but we then also grieve differently depending on the loss and maybe even when it happened in our lives yeah, yeah.
Nichola Day: 20:49
So many reminders and I think there's yeah, there's just I think there's so much expectation around grief and I think this, I think this is probably one of the biggest problems for the grieving process for HSPs, and you know we're very sensitive to external expectation and more often than not, really want to.
Nichola Day: 21:12
We can be quite conscientious, can't we, and really want to be doing. We seem to be doing things right and there is absolutely no right way to grieve. Um, with you know the heightened emotional, uh, awareness and depth and intensity, that, an empathy that we can feel. There's most likely going to need a much deeper and longer integration process. But I mean, some people might be done quite quickly, but for most HSPs that I've come across that have gone through the grieving process, yes, it can take quite some time. You've obviously got that acute grief phase, but I think it takes much longer to integrate into your wiring, your body, your life the most. And also, I've had this experience recently and and I know she might won't mind me sharing a friend who lost someone quite tragically and for many reasons she wasn't allowed to grieve that at the time and she's held it for 20 years and and has only just started to process that grief and the intensity is just as if it was, you know, yesterday.
April Snow: 22:35
Yeah, yeah it doesn't go away. No, it doesn't, it doesn't. Yeah, yeah. And you're right that we do grieve so differently than other folks as hsps. You know, with that deep processing and trying to make sense of the grief and feeling it so much more deeply and in more complex ways, and then having the emotions bubble up so quickly, with just one little reminder, yeah, or one moment of remembering the loss, it can just flood right up to the surface, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it sounds like we need to be able to follow our own path through the grief and, even though winter it's more acceptable to grieve, making space in every season whether it's because something does bring it back up for you or there's an anniversary, a birthday, a memory or the actual loss anniversary that the grief is going to come up. And I've seen this happen with a lot of HSPs where those times of year, no matter what the season, the grief is heavy. Yeah.
April Snow: 23:44
Yeah, I'm wondering, knowing that it's not as acceptable to grieve in other seasons because we're supposed to be more exuberant or active, how do we work with our grief in summer or in spring or, you know, through the seasons?
Nichola Day: 24:00
Yeah, I think for me it comes through these almost rituals that I create for myself at these regular points. That's not to say that you need to schedule a date with grief you can and I do, but it's welcome through my door at any time, you know, if it comes, just allowing it, so allowing it organically, but in terms of being perhaps a little bit more proactive with it. It's, you know, if you're practicing a seasonal way of life, then you can drop into these little pause points like the equinoxes and the solstices, etc. There can be space within those times. Perhaps you've journaled on. I don't know what we've got coming up. Well, not yet, it's still far away. We've got the spring equinox coming up.
Nichola Day: 24:49
You know, whilst you might set aside some time lighting a candle, perhaps taking a meditation to think about the growth ahead, maybe it's also about having some pictures of your loved ones that you've lost, lighting a candle for them, sending them a little bit of your thought and your love and care and gratitude for their lives, etc. Maybe that invites a moment to shed some tears and release that grief, you know. So it's like you're creating yourself a safe container in order to allow those feelings to move and also just having no expectation of that, and there have been times when I've sat down and perhaps I've been journaling about something seasonally and I've lit my candle, I've said what I needed to say to my, my loved ones that have passed on, and that's been enough. I actually have a I call it my ancestors table, so anyone that's passed on, I have their pictures up and I've got some candles and a few little pieces of rose quartz.
Nichola Day: 25:48
But I've been offering to them and you know so they are there, for they are there throughout the year. They're there so I can just send them a little nod if I want to, but there's no expectation for me to be, you know, sobbing all the time, but the invitation is there if I need to release some grief. Those are those little touch points that I create, that little container for myself to do that at any point in the year. I thought we talked about this last time, I think. But they're not my, my special peeps. They're on one side and then I've got my like little seasonal space over on the other side. So the two spaces are very connected.
April Snow: 26:29
So I guess it's about creating space to touch in yeah, I appreciate that because I think a lot of times we're fighting with the grief to try to keep it in the background, to not let it yeah, overcome us. But if we do create those touch points, those rituals, we know we have space for it and it's coming out regularly instead of building up. Yeah, and taking over yeah, so we're just, we're acknowledging grief is here, yes, and it's welcome yeah yes, I appreciate that
Nichola Day: 27:00
and I have to also just highlight the importance for me of having a connection, or a couple of connections, to fellow HSPs who also have lost somebody, and the depth of those conversations that we've had in our deep grief.
Nichola Day: 27:19
Moments have been of so much value, moments are have been of so much value.
Nichola Day: 27:30
So, yeah, I would say that's an important point to just sneak in there is it doesn't? Grief really shouldn't be something that we do alone, but we so often do, and I think it's great that we can have these moments for ourself, creating our space etc. And checking in so important and I wouldn't say, don't do it. But also knowing if you have those safe connections, those people that get it, that are not going to turn you away and say this is too much or you should be over it by now, who you know, who are ready and waiting, and actually I'm very grateful to have a couple of people that will ask before I've even you know, yes, yes so if you have those people, reaching out is to be shared and connected over, because when we lose someone or something in our lives, so healing to know we still have support and those people to lean on and and just space to not feel so alone in it, to know that we're not overreacting or we're not grieving for too long.
April Snow: 28:36
Yeah, yeah, there's. There's so much comfort in that.
Nichola Day: 28:40
It's such a good reminder I think you know, sometimes it's not possible, depending on the complexity of who it is you've lost or also what it has been that you've lost, because grief is not always a person.
Nichola Day: 28:57
It could be a job, it could be a situation, it could be a life stage. You know, grief can be associated with lots of things, so sometimes the complexity of the grief might not afford us those connections. So I'm conscious of that. Definitely an experience I have had with one of my griefs, if you like, one of my losses was the connection all the people to be able to grieve with and talk to about. It was was not so present.
Nichola Day: 29:32
So for me, those rituals, those checking in with myself, and actually the building of a relationship with a fellow friend who'd been on the periphery we weren't kind of deeply connected friends, but I knew that she had also lost someone recently and so I reached out to. Well, she may have reached out I can't remember now, but there was a we came together. So I guess what I'm saying is if you're feeling I guess if any listeners are feeling, or I don't know who to talk to about this, there is no one maybe just reach out to somebody who you think might you know what's the worst could. That could happen. They, they might not feel comfortable with it, but maybe there's something to be gained from it and there are groups around, organized groups as well, that can be great containers so it could be an opportunity to build a connection if there isn't one already there, potentially.
April Snow: 30:24
Yeah, I appreciate that there could be just room to connect with someone who you haven't yet or haven't been as close to yeah or yeah or, like you said, there's a lot of grief groups around and could find community there as well, if it's not someone in our own lives, because there are those times where the people in your life they're not grieving with you because they haven't been through the loss or they just don't understand or don't support sadly. So it's important to find it where you can, at the very least having those connection points with yourself.
Nichola Day: 30:57
I think you know, as much as grief can isolate people, it also can bring people together. Yeah, you know, I've been really surprised at comments that I've had when I've shared what I've been going through from people that I just I wouldn't have even, you know, students in my classes or clients. And there is connection because it's a shared human experience that we all go through and I think sometimes if we're willing to just be a little bit vulnerable, then the connection can be made and then that just you feel so much lighter. You know, we know this, don't we?
April Snow: 31:32
we do yeah it's a good reminder too, because I think, as HSPs, we often will take care of others and we forget to take care of ourselves and we forget to ask for help or support?
Nichola Day: 31:45
yes, definitely I think, for independence can be, yeah, one of many patterns and partly, we don't want to burden others. I think sometimes that's where it can come from and, yeah, we forget to ask for help. Definitely, so grief can be a great teacher in that sense I appreciate thinking of grief with that purpose.
April Snow: 32:09
Yeah, there's those undercurrents of connection and just bright spots within the loss.
Nichola Day: 32:16
Yes, yeah I've talked about this a lot actually over the last couple of years of the gold that can be found within grief sometimes. I think it's helpful, maybe not in that acute phase, but over time it can be, I think, be seen as almost like a doorway through to like a deeper level of your own healing or a deeper level of yourself. I definitely feel like a changed person since my losses. I think, in the sense of it being particularly losing my dad was quite a traumatic event because it was massively unexpected. But then there's the transformation I think that goes through, that comes with looking at that relationship you have with that person, how that loss impacts you.
Nichola Day: 33:08
You know there's almost like this looking back of all the memories and conversations had and everything that comes with your own personal grief, because each one's unique. There's like an opportunity to go deeper. And what does this mean to me? How is this kind of an opportunity to go deeper and what does this mean to me? How is this kind of reorganizing my worldview and who I am and how I'm living my life? You know, it can be a real kind of portal, if you like, to deep transformation. I think that's what I found yeah, I appreciate that.
April Snow: 33:41
the grief, what a beautiful reframe of grief. And of course that will come after the initial, like you said, the acute loss.
April Snow: 34:15
But as we go through it, there's other things to discover about ourselves, and maybe even about the relationship with that person or that time of our lives that we can start to appreciate. Yeah, I thank you for that, for kind of adding more complexity to it, because I think we see it as just this one note. Yeah, and as hsps, we have that ability to dive deeper and look at those layers I think there's many aspects to it.
Nichola Day: 34:42
So many aspects, so many, yeah, so many, yeah, so many. I like to think, you know, I started asking myself this question. We lost a couple of grandparents a while back and I started asking myself the question what has that person taught me? What has that person's life taught me? And, like you say, after that initial acute phase, you know, when you are just really feeling the loss and the shock which is really jarring, especially for HSPs, that the whole system is just thrown into chaos, I think for quite a while. But after that phase, I think that's when you can start the natural reflection that we're so often very good at, and I think that is the point at which we can. Then it's almost like you know, grief is a little bit like how trees, when they lose their leaves, it provides compost for the growth to come. It feels a little bit like that you know the loss of somebody will and it's definitely in my case anyway is fertilized or is adding nutrients, if you like, nutrients, to my growth.
April Snow: 35:58
I love that. It's like that energy, that spirit of that person. It just it keeps going on.
Nichola Day: 36:04
Yeah, it's not lost and this is how we, yeah, we live through each other, don't we? We pass on and to each generation, and so the cycle continues. So, yeah, we can. I do think there is a choice. We can choose to accept the offering from the loss, or we might not.
April Snow: 36:27
Choose to accept. Yeah, Is there a way that we can? I'm just thinking how do I choose to accept? Is it just how I talk to myself about it, or how I'm thinking about the loss?
Nichola Day: 36:41
I think the power of intention comes in here.
Nichola Day: 36:45
When I lost my dad which was a very, very complex grief, after the initial shock and, believe you me, it was a massive shock he was only 66 and he had been playing golf the week before, so there was no, there was no warning.
Nichola Day: 37:06
After that initial shock, I consciously made the intention to be fully present for it all, because I knew we had a very complex, complicated relationship, difficult, complicated relationship, and I knew and this is probably going to sound a bit strange, but I knew that if I was able to remain present with it, with the very caring guidance of my own therapist, that his passing could be a gift for my healing, because there's there was a lot there to be dealt with anyway that I'd already been exploring in therapy myself. There's an intention, probably slightly naively taken by myself, not probably knowing the full extent of what that journey entailed, but what has come out of it has been transformational for me and my family, my own children, my other relationships, etc. So, yeah, intending to work with it, and it might be that the intention is okay, I'm going to park this for a time because my life is not quite set up for this yet Sure, and then coming back to it.
April Snow: 38:31
But you get to choose the path you walk through your grief. Yes, when you're going to do it and how you're going to do it. Yeah, yes, when you're going to do it and how you're going to do it, yeah, yeah. That's helpful to remember because I think, for me at least, grief has felt a lot of times like I am not in control, I think it's just washing over me. But to know we can have those touch points and those intentions, we can steer the grief as we need to come in and out of it as we're able to yeah, I think, yeah, I think with grief you're dancing with both no control and, yeah, the power to have some control over it.
Nichola Day: 39:09
But I do think, when we intentionally work with it, it does give us back a little bit of that sense of control. You know that we are choosing. Okay, today I'm going to work with this or not. I'm going to stick on Netflix and whatever it takes.
April Snow: 39:27
Yeah, so we can. We can choose how to care for ourselves. We can come in and out, that's. You hear that a lot Grief is. It's a cycle, right, you're coming in, you're coming out of. It's not linear. So, yeah, we can do grief, however we need to yeah, yeah.
Nichola Day: 39:44
And pacing pacing with any of these things is really important because it is so easy to become overwhelmed and we haven't talked about this, but oh, the fatigue involved in grief is intense to say the least, and as HSPs, we're already probably chronically tired yes, yes, we are.
Nichola Day: 40:11
So I had to lower my expectations when I did a deep dive after dad's passing. So I think when you are going into it, it's knowing that, okay, I'm not going to be on top of x, y and z. I am going to have to lower my expectations, increase my self-kindness and self-care practices by tenfold and sleep as much as you can, because our brains, our wiring, needs so much more integration time. And that's okay, that's absolutely okay absolutely okay, because you're.
April Snow: 40:49
The energy has to come from somewhere. So we have to rest more, we have to slow everything down, we have to take care of ourselves and fortify ourselves for this journey, just like if you were going on a trip. You would pack up supplies and you would rest and you would cool up, and we have to do the same for grief.
Nichola Day: 41:05
It sounds like, yeah, find your resources yeah, and I think, relating it to the trip, you know when you're extra sensitive, I think we probably do a bit more prep. We might kind of google all the places to eat that are close by. We might look at the buildings most nearby for a walk. We would map it all out. So probably the a bit of research. But okay, what's grief going to hold for me? What should I expect?
April Snow: 41:33
you know, there is a lot, a lot of preparation that can be helpful and going into it yeah, we can learn about grief and what we need yeah, yeah so, nicola, I'm wondering if, as we wrap up, if there's a final message that you could share with HSPs who are going through some type of grief, what would that be?
Nichola Day: 41:58
I guess you just you're not alone and you are entitled to feel whatever you're feeling whenever, for as long as you need, yeah, and it's never too much it's never too much thank you for that welcome so I will share all of your seasonal resources for folks that they can dive into.
April Snow: 42:22
I know you have a YouTube page with seasonal practices. Folks could start to work with you there. You also have a Sensitive Soul Space membership with meditations and therapeutic yoga, other seasonal resources so a lot of ways that folks can work with you, and then also you offer yoga therapy. So I'm wondering if you could share with listeners just a little bit more about that before we wrap up.
Nichola Day: 42:45
Yeah, so the yoga therapy is a. I really feel it's a beautiful offering for hsps because it gives you that real tailored and bespoke approach and really each session is very individual and centered solely on what the needs are of the person in that time, and it could include movement, it could include breath work, it could involve talking things through meditation. It really does depend on what the person brings um, and I like to make sure that when I start with a person, that we kind of really get the grips with what that person is like, what their sensory profile is like, so that we can tailor it exactly. And it can be really helpful for any point where a person feels a bit lost or is going through a life transition or a grief, for example, because grief in particular gets trapped in the body often and so that can be helpful way to just support yourself as you're processing and that grief or whatever life transition you're going through. So, yeah, it can be a really beautiful process.
April Snow: 43:54
I love it yeah, it's a good reminder that movement can be helpful to move those emotions through, especially grief. And then you're coming into a community space just to be around others and feel that support maybe indirect or direct around the grief. But just to have other people around can be such a a bomb during a hard time yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, for sure well, nicola.
April Snow: 44:17
Thank you so much for everything that you shared today and just helping us understand how we can be with our grief in different times of the year and also different times of our life. I really appreciate that.
Nichola Day: 44:29
You're welcome. Thanks for having me. Thank you.
April Snow: 44:39
Thanks so much for joining me and Nicola for today's conversation. What I hope you're taking away is permission to be discerning about where you devote your energy, preserving energy during times of grief and following your personal seasonal rhythms. For more support in living and grieving seasonally, you can connect with Nicola on YouTube at Sensitive Yoga Therapy or sign up for her Sensitive Soul Space community at nicoladaycouk. Links are in the show notes. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind-the-scenes content and more HSP resources. You can sign up for my email list or follow Sensitive Strengths on Instagram, tiktok and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitivestoriescom for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.
