32: Embracing Depth and Connection as a Highly Sensitive Person
With Tom Falkenstein, Psychologist + Author
Are you leaning into the positive experiences of being highly sensitive? In this episode, I talk with Tom Falkenstein about the beauty of connecting deeply as an HSP and:
• The correlation between sensitivity and mental health
• Unique struggles and opportunities of being a highly sensitive man
• Understanding that sensitivity is not a burden or a deficit, but a neutral trait that you’re born with
• How highly sensitive people benefit more from therapy and other positive supports due to differential susceptibility
Tom is a psychologist (M.A.), cognitive behavioural psychotherapist, and author of the book "The Highly Sensitive Man" (Kensington Books, 2019), which has been translated into several languages. He has been working as a psychotherapist since 2006, both in Germany and the UK, and developed an interest in sensitivity during his psychotherapeutic work in London in the early 2010s. He was trained and supervised by Dr Elaine Aron for several years. His work has been featured in numerous podcasts, on television and in international publications, including The Telegraph, Psychology Today and Men's Health. He has also appeared in the documentary "Sensitive Men Rising" (2024) by Will Harper. Singer-songwriter-activist Alanis Morissette described Tom's book "The Highly Sensitive Man" as "a breath of fresh air in the midst of a cultural determination to reduce toxic masculinity. This book is a balm, a movement, and a revelation." Tom runs a private practice in London and is completing a PhD on sensitivity and mental health at Queen Mary University of London with Prof Michael Pluess.
Keep in touch with Tom:
• Website: http://www.tomfalkenstein.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tom.falkenstein
Resources Mentioned:
• The Highly Sensitive Man by Tom Falkenstein: https://bookshop.org/a/63892/9780806539331
Thanks for listening!
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This episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Some links are affiliate links. You are under no obligation to purchase any book, product or service. I am not responsible for the quality or satisfaction of any purchase.
Episode Transcript
Tom Falkenstein: 0:00
being reflective, being thoughtful, enjoying depth. I often think that it should be more highlighted. There is something enjoyable about seeking depth in life, and there's something enjoyable about seeking depth in conversations or in our work or whatever it is, and just like we're doing right now, and that should be celebrated, I think, and should be enjoyed. Thank you.
April Snow: 0:28
Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author, april Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this episode, I talk with Tom Falkenstein about sensitivity and mental health, welcoming in the depth of experience available to you as an HSP and the unique struggles and opportunities of being a highly sensitive man. Tom is a psychologist, cognitive behavioral psychotherapist and author of the book the Highly Sensitive man, which has been translated into several languages. He has been working as a psychotherapist since 2006, both in Germany and the UK, and developed an interest in sensitivity during his psychotherapeutic work in London, where he currently runs a private practice. He was trained and supervised by Dr Elaine Aron, and his work has been featured in numerous podcasts on television and in international publications such as the Telegraph, psychology Today and Men's Health. He also appeared in the documentary Sensitive Men Rising by Will Harper. Singer-songwriter-activist Alanis Morissette described Tom's book the Highly Sensitive man as a breath of fresh air, a balm of movement and a revelation. Tom is also completing a PhD on sensitivity and mental health at Queen Mary University of London with Professor Michael Pluess.
April Snow: 2:05
For more HSP resources and to see behind the scenes video from the podcast, join me on Instagram, tiktok or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths or sign up for my email list. Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom. And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Let's dive in. So, tom, could you start off by telling?
Tom Falkenstein: 2:55
us your hsp discovery story how and when you realize that you're highly sensitive sure, sure thanks for having me first of all on your podcast.
Tom Falkenstein: 2:59
I was really looking forward to our conversation today. So I'm a psychologist and psychotherapist and after my post-graduate training in psychotherapy I worked in London at a private hospital and I just happened to see a lot of clients male clients predominantly at the time who all talked about struggling with their sensitivity. And through this work really the whole idea of the book the Highly Sensitive man emerged, which I then started writing, and I think through the writing process I realised oh, just a moment, this describes me as well, you know. So that's how I discovered about it myself.
Tom Falkenstein: 3:42
I had never heard about sensitivity or Lynn Aaron's research during my psychology degree or even during my postgraduate degree in psychotherapy. I don't know whether it has changed since, but back then temperament or personality trait just wasn't considered in the therapeutic training. Of course it came up in my my psychology degree, but not so much in my therapy training. So when I then worked with those men and I wanted to give them something to read, I just first of all, I didn't know anything about sensitivity made me think about sensitivity for the first time, reading myself, and then I just also noticed that there weren't any books on the topic and I just thought how is that possible? And it seemed to be, quite you know, most books were written by women and seemed to mostly address women the female reader or identifying reader and I sort of thought it just doesn't match what I experienced in the consulting room. And that's how I then started writing the book.
April Snow: 4:39
Amazing. I think a lot of us therapists or clinicians discover their trait amidst our work.
Tom Falkenstein: 4:47
Yes, and it just kind of happens.
April Snow: 4:48
It comes to us because it's not part of the training. Yes, it's something that is missing in a lot of programs, and so you found yourself in it. Yeah, in this process, yeah.
Tom Falkenstein: 5:01
And yet, since I published the book and since I started working with other sensitive clients and obviously you know what I'm just talking about was quite a while ago. So I met a lot of people who really found discovering that they're HSP or that they're discovering the research. I think a lot of people really had an aha moment and a sort of you know, this sort of describes me and I didn't have that so much. I sometimes wonder why, but I explain it because I think most of my friends and the people I'm drawn to are very sensitive and whether they're highly sensitive or not, but I think they're very sensitive, they're quite emotional.
Tom Falkenstein: 5:38
Obviously, being a therapist, I think you focus a lot on, as you know, feelings and processes, processes and reflection, and so I think, in a way, sometimes wonder whether I was just surrounded by a lot of sensitive people without knowing it and therefore I didn't quite have the uh, I finally feel understood. Or I think a lot of people sort of describe they feel misunderstood, and then they read the book or they hear about the concept and then they have a sense of idol falls into place. I, I didn't have that so much, I think, but maybe because I was surrounded by a lot of emotional sensitive people anyway, myself included.
April Snow: 6:15
Yes, I think that makes a lot of sense, because you didn't need that understanding as much, that community as much. Your sensitive system was sounds like it was already supported. You were able to be emotional and gentle and quiet, whatever you needed to be, and I've heard that from a few other folks as well that when they grow up with sensitivity being normalized, you don't need that information or that framework as much.
Tom Falkenstein: 6:40
Yes.
April Snow: 6:40
Yes, and.
Tom Falkenstein: 6:41
I think what you just said sort of came up when I was then interviewing men for the book. So when I started writing the book I wanted to interview, you know, those highly sensitive men about their experiences and you could really tell that there was a massive difference obviously between those men who maybe weren't familiar with the concept but whose sensitivity or emotionality was accepted or grew up in a surrounding where it was sort of seen as something positive or even where it was just okay, and you could really sort of see a slight difference in terms of what that meant, how they felt about being sensitive, if that makes sense. So I think they had often less critical views of their own, less critically internalized views of their sensitivity or their emotions.
April Snow: 7:27
I think there's more self-acceptance and needing to pull away those layers of self-criticism or you know, we get all these messages we're too much or not enough, and you don't have to fight through that. You're already having that base level of acceptance, which I think is what we're both working towards more people having from the start dress written about high, sensitive men.
Tom Falkenstein: 8:06
It was also really important for me to write quite an inclusive book and a book that obviously also women can read and or if they want to know more about men in their lives that are sensitive. But yeah, so I think the the basic motivation was. Here's something read it it's important it's based on research and it's not some sort of who are? Very, you know yeah exactly.
April Snow: 8:27
It's based on research and something that you're actively involved in as well. Continuing that yeah.
Tom Falkenstein: 8:33
So, as I said, I was working in london and then this idea of the book came up and I was writing the book. I wrote the book for a period of two years while working as a therapist, and I wrote it in German because I'm German and it felt just a little bit less challenging to write it in German than in English. So then the book came out, basically initially in Germany, and it was really interesting because I pitched it to five publishers and three of them were like no, you know, but you know who wants to read that. Basically they said it nicer. You know it was.
Tom Falkenstein: 9:09
You know just a bit more nicely, but it was very much sort of a sense of um, but two publishers were very keen and then they published it and then it got basically bought.
Tom Falkenstein: 9:18
Foreign rights got bought and it's been translated since into English and Swedish and Dutch and Polish. And then, as this sort of evolved, I was then thinking how to take this further. You know this whole topic because I felt, as part of my practice as a psychotherapist, and I've got some ideas, you know, what would be helpful for highly sensitive clients, based on my experience. But I also felt that there wasn't much research done on this. So what do highly sensitive clients actually respond to?
Tom Falkenstein: 9:55
Based on research, not just based on my impression as a therapist, as a practitioner, and this is how the whole idea of doing a PhD started, which I started about four years ago. Now I'm doing a part-time while also working as a therapist and I basically very much focus on sensitivity and mental health, just because I think it's so. You know, it brings together really the two aspects. You know my interest in sensitivity that I had now for so many years and, obviously, my interest in mental health as a psychotherapist, and I just felt let's bring this together and let's give a PhD a go, and it keeps me very busy yes, and this is such an important topic because we are seeing a lot of research come out about the highly sensitive person, but not the intersection of mental health.
April Snow: 10:44
So I know you're in the early days of this process, but I'm wondering are there any initial insights or findings that you're seeing?
Tom Falkenstein: 10:51
I can't quite yet talk about any findings as such, but what I can talk about is just the research that I read about and used for my PhD so far. I think the research I find is so interesting because, on the one hand, we know that sensitivity, or being HSP, correlates with developing mental health issues, so it correlates with my levels of anxiety, of depression, of issues with emotional regulation there are a couple of studies but at the same time it also seems to show that sensitive people respond better to treatment and I think that is just really, really, really, really fascinating, so that the sensitivity seems to be going in both ways. So it's not just, as you know, it's not just being sensitive makes you more vulnerable. It also might be an advantage when it comes to therapy and the therapeutic experience. And that just struck me as something unexplored or relatively unexplored, and I just wanted to explore that basically more through my own research project.
Tom Falkenstein: 11:58
But it's early days and I always feel a bit like I can't really talk about it because you know I don't know about it. But once we've published stuff, then findings, then we will, I'm sure, talk more about it.
April Snow: 12:04
Absolutely. Stuff, then findings, then we will, I'm sure, talk more about it. Absolutely, and it's exciting to hear that you're diving into what it sounds like is the differential susceptibility piece. And that always gives me a lot of hope as an HSP that, as I think there's so much focus on how we're more negatively impacted but we forget the opposite is also true, that not only are we more supported in therapy, but with any positive support or intervention in our lives that is possible as an hsp, and not forgetting that absolutely and not falling.
Tom Falkenstein: 12:34
I don't know how you feel about this, but I do sometimes slightly struggle with the whole discourse around sensitivity because I feel it seems so binary. And so either it's as you said, it focuses very much on the challenges and the difficulties of being sensitive, or it goes into the it's just, you know, it's a superpower, it's amazing, it's this, it's that, and I just feel a bit like well, first of all, it's a neutral personality trait and it can be a challenge, but maybe it's also an advantage in some ways. But I just sort of what I want to do with my research, but also with my writing, is just to bring it slightly back into the middle of it. You know, rather than it's this or that or those, really those extremes I think you sometimes see and hear when you look at stuff online. I do sometimes struggle with that a little bit. Yeah, so yeah.
April Snow: 13:29
I'm the same. I get very uncomfortable going to either extreme because it's not the reality of the lived experience of an HSP. So I'm curious if you could talk more about what is harmful in living in those extreme views of sensitivity, if you have any thoughts on that.
Tom Falkenstein: 13:44
Well, I think my thoughts are really is that I think if you go too much into you know, this is just this makes me very special.
Tom Falkenstein: 13:53
Go too much into you know, this is just this makes me very special and I make it other people's responsibility to accommodate me and my sensitive disposition. I think it just sometimes has a tinge of narcissism for me and I think with that I really struggle on a personal level. And on the other side, I think the danger is really just seeing it as a burden and as something we need to live with, and of course, it's just a challenge, you know, all day long. And again, I just feel like that doesn't really represent the reality of it or it's a bit simplified and I just. What therefore struck me as important is to also to focus on the positive aspects, of course, as you know, being reflective and thoughtful, enjoying depth. I often think that is slightly, maybe should be more highlighted. There is something enjoyable about seeking depth in life and there's something enjoyable about seeking depth in conversations or in our work or whatever it is, and just like we're doing right now, and that should be celebrated, I think, and should be enjoyed yeah, so it just feels to me.
Tom Falkenstein: 14:56
That is something that hopefully we're moving towards more also the sensitivity towards positive aspects in life like the music and arts and nature, but also the social sensitivity and how that can be an asset. But we don't need to go into the and therefore I'm so special. Uh right, you know I'm just a bit uncomfortable with that personally, but yeah same but at the same time, you know you don't need to neglect it or claim it's not there.
Tom Falkenstein: 15:26
Of course these are really beautiful aspects and qualities, but I just think the way we talk about is important because I think it's also harmful in a way, because I think then people who are not highly sensitive might think oh, why are they? Why is this person being so? I don't know overly. You know what I mean, sorry I'm not really explaining very well.
April Snow: 15:46
No, I know exactly what you mean. Um, it reminds me, I think, what you're hinting at is the covert narcissism right, where we're elevating ourselves but also playing a victim role at the same time, right? As a form of self-protection and it reminds me that you know Elaine talks about priestly, advisors, warrior kings, and that we all have value and that when we start to elevate ourselves, we start to distance ourselves and, I think, forget that we all bring value in in different ways yes, exactly, exactly yeah and that depth piece doesn't get highlighted enough and it's so important that there's so much available yes, yes, and it enriches life, like that's what I often try to discuss with clients, is that it really enriches life, seeking depth and being emotional and thinking a lot about what you're experiencing.
Tom Falkenstein: 16:42
It is something that enriches life and makes life more intense, in a way, and I think that it's something to be enjoyed enjoyed.
April Snow: 16:52
When you say it makes life more tense, what do you mean? Can you elaborate there? Sorry, it makes it tense as well, but it also makes it intense.
Tom Falkenstein: 17:00
I think it makes it obviously more tense because, as we know, we're you know emotional regulation is so important for many hsps and that's again what the research actually shows that emotional regulation is really important, the importance of mindfulness, maybe as part of those emotional regulation skills. So I think it makes it certainly more tense, but I think it can also make it more intense, and by intense I mean it just sort of makes it more yeah, make it more rich, yeah, more rich, yeah. It adds, you know it more rich, yeah, more rich yeah it adds light, more complexity, yeah more complexity.
April Snow: 17:37
Yes, exactly, and it makes me think when we're reaching for depth but then also trying to simultaneously live our lives and do all the things whether it's parent, or taking care of a parent, or going to work, or going to the grocery store doing the shopping. How do we find the balance? How do we make space for depth in the midst of life?
Tom Falkenstein: 18:00
when everything else is happening. Yes, it's difficult, right? Because sometimes I think also you can find yourself. You know, I sometimes find myself seeking depth in every little conversation I'm having yes with a person at the checkout till at the supermarket and I'm exaggerating a little bit now, but you know, and I sometimes sort of think, oh, this is not the right time for it or I don't have a resource for it you know I've got five minutes, why do I not start this conversation about something really existential?
Tom Falkenstein: 18:29
but, on the other hand, I think it can also lead to a lot of closeness and I think you need a lot of richness in your interactions. So I think, yes, I think it's a balancing act, isn't it? You know when is it the right time to do it and to enjoy it, and when is it enriching, and when is it actually maybe just not quite the right moment to engage on that level with someone else, or the other person might not be ready for it, or might not be the right time for the other one. So I think it's really balancing.
April Snow: 19:03
Yeah, we have to be discerning when to go deep and when to maybe pull back a little bit.
Tom Falkenstein: 19:09
Yes, yes.
April Snow: 19:11
Yeah, I'm curious, how can we live so we're finding that balance, but how can we really live well overall, because there's more that needs to be satisfied than the depth.
Tom Falkenstein: 19:25
Yes, yes.
April Snow: 19:26
What else do we need? To live well.
Tom Falkenstein: 19:31
So when I wrote the book, as I explained, I wanted to focus on men. So therefore I interviewed 25 men and asked them all the same questions, basically, and then I picked some of those interviews for the book and I think it is really interesting how.
Tom Falkenstein: 19:45
What I found interesting was how diverse this group of highly sensitive men is. So, yes, they're all highly sensitive, but yet there were some common themes which I really sort of tried to identify. But on the other hand, they were also very different and it was not a homogenous group, you know. And so I think living well obviously means different things for different people, right? I mean some of them it meant a career change or after they realized they were highly sensitive, or it meant not picking certain partners they were drawn to. I remember there was one client who was very drawn to narcissistic or emotionally unstable partners and so I think it just means different things for different people, and I think very much again based on what they experienced, what else they experienced around their sensitivity or how their sensitivity was viewed, and I think those things shaped the rest of their personality and how they enjoyed what they were looking for in life.
April Snow: 20:51
I think you're speaking to something really important there, which is that even if we narrow down to the HSP experience and then we get even smaller HSP male experience, there's still a lot of diversity of other parts of your experience, your personality, your culture and your needs, and we really need that to be unique for ourselves. We don't have to put ourselves in a box, even as hsps yeah, absolutely yes.
Tom Falkenstein: 21:19
That struck me as really important because, yes, there might be some similarities, but I think it really depended so much on the individual situation. You know what? Where were they living? What were those circumstances of their current life? What was their lifestyle? Were they young, were they old? Did they have a family? Were they living in a rural area or more in urban settings? These are just all very important things to consider, I think, when we talk about the hsp experience. And yet I think there were common themes like the work around intense emotions, the tendency to feel overstimulated, the work around self-criticism or self-worth, if they grew up with the sense that they didn't live up to the male ideal, the masculine ideal, and obviously the more that was something experienced, the more they they had it. They experienced it later in life and then also, just maybe, some making some lifestyle changes. You know, some of them felt they weren't in a position of making some changes. There was more in line their sensitive disposition, so we looked at that. So, basically, those three areas I identified, despite all the differences right.
Tom Falkenstein: 22:25
Those tend to be universal I felt I mean just based on those interviews and based on what I knew then I mean because I wrote the book while ago but back then that really seemed to be the current threat, the common threat running through the interviews.
April Snow: 22:42
I think a few of those are relatable for, I think, every HSP lifestyle and relationships who you're spending time with, how you're receiving support, lifestyle and relationships who you're spending time with, how you're receiving support. I wonder if you could talk more about the male ideal. That's a unique experience for an hsp male, this striving to meet the expectation of masculinity, so could you speak more about that experience?
Tom Falkenstein: 23:06
yeah. So basically, when I started writing the book, I felt it was really important to place the experience of highly sensitive men in the wider context, and by that I mean I wanted to look at mental health in men and I wanted to look at the research. So therefore, the first half of the book is quite theoretical and I wanted to summarize the research done on sensitivity at the time because it just felt very important to me. And then the second half, I think, is then the more practical part of the book, where I offer loads of activities and exercises that can be done by men or women, frankly, and non-binary individuals I mean, for everyone really. And I just sort of felt, as I was reading more about the research on mental health and men, I just noticed how dire the situation really is when it comes to mental health and men and in terms of depression, in terms of addiction, in terms of suicide, in terms of ending up in prison or getting in touch with unlawful behavior. It's really quite striking.
Tom Falkenstein: 24:07
But I also read then more and more about how, on the one hand, the more a man has internalized those traditional what we still see as traditional mass values, the more likely they are to develop mental health issues in life and the more likely they are to develop depression. So it is still this belief the I mean. Obviously it changes, but I think they're still in the air. And you know, around us the sense of men should be stoic and they should be not emotional and if they are emotional, maybe anger is allowed as the emotion, but not much else. And they should be self-reliant and they should be straight and they should be, you know, I mean all these aspects and they shouldn't ask for help, which is obviously something that we still see when it comes to men not going to the GP to get tested or when they're worried about getting ill or for cancer let's say All these aspects or seeking a therapist if they need help.
Tom Falkenstein: 25:11
Generalizing, obviously a lot here right now, but I think there's still the sense of it's just not quite part of the masculine ideal to be emotional, to ask for help, to be introverted, to place a lot of emphasis on relationships in your life, and I just sort of felt that is something that I wanted to mention in the book because it is still around and then in in a similar way when it comes to young boys. I read this really interesting study that mentioned that when boys don't live up to their masculine ideal the male ideal, whatever that means at their age, they're more likely to get bullied physically or emotionally in school. I think the APA published this really interesting guidelines on what men and boys I think five years ago now school. There's a really I think the apa published this really interesting guidelines or work with men and boys. I think five years ago now.
Tom Falkenstein: 25:55
They might have published a new one since, but I just remember this very clearly as I was talking about the book, reading about the research mentioned in those guidelines and it just sort of shows how this sort of masculine ideal is still around and, I think, can cause a lot of suffering, not just just for men and boys, but also, obviously, for their partners and for their families, for all of us really, right, I mean, it's all connected.
April Snow: 26:21
Yeah, men really are suffering in a lot of ways. Women are. We're emotionality is accepted in us, but with men men you have to keep everything inside and always be strong. At least in a lot of families and a lot of cultures it does lead to some pretty dire results. Yes, You're right, it does trickle out. It's not just for them, it's for their families, for their coworkers for society.
Tom Falkenstein: 26:44
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely, I still have it.
Tom Falkenstein: 26:48
I also think it's just so interesting how often, when men come together, how they don't really talk about emotional things.
Tom Falkenstein: 26:59
I mean, I just experienced this the other day I went to a swimming lesson with our son and had a very nice chat with other dads, and but I did realize at one point all we talk about is just politics and the weather, really, and the holiday plans, and, uh, there's nothing wrong with that, there's a place in time for that.
Tom Falkenstein: 27:17
But I just sometimes think this is where maybe sensitive men come in, and maybe that is the role they could have is by introducing maybe a little bit more emotions or topics that are personal or maybe have a bit of depth or a bit of you know, not obviously politics can also be deep, but I just mean in terms of something with a little bit more emotionality in it, and maybe that is something that men could you know, the sense of men can introduce and maybe therefore normalize it also in those conversations, and maybe we'll all come away from those conversations feeling a little better afterwards. You know that. You know, yes, we talk about politics and the weather, but maybe then also about something else that has a little bit more to it right.
April Snow: 28:00
Something more vulnerable or related to your internal experience?
Tom Falkenstein: 28:05
yeah, absolutely, exactly, exactly, that's exactly the right word we're talking. Let's talk a bit more about our internal experiences and let's normalize that, not just in the therapy setting not just in the consulting room with your therapist, but maybe also with your male friends, you know. I think that would be quite a healthy thing to develop absolutely sensitive men could be the emotional leaders for other men yeah I think that was at least what I thought about when I wrote the book.
Tom Falkenstein: 28:33
I thought that is a role that highly sensitive men could play. It doesn't have to, of course, but maybe that is quite a valuable role.
April Snow: 28:44
I'm curious as you're standing in this circle of dads at the swimming lesson, do you feel an urge to maybe deepen the conversation, bringing it back to that depth?
Tom Falkenstein: 28:54
Yeah, April, I'm not very good at it no, no, no, the opposite, I'm not very good at just keeping it light and lovely. Obviously, you know. And then you know what is chicken and egg. Is it because I'm a therapist? Is it because I'm sensitive? Who knows? But I obviously I'm someone who then quite quickly asks more personal questions, or I mean, I don't know how you feel, but it often bores me a little bit.
April Snow: 29:17
oh, yes, I feel very empty so, so, and again there's nothing.
Tom Falkenstein: 29:22
You know, they had a really nice chat with them, but I just sort of after a while I have to ask a slightly more personal question, otherwise it just feels a bit you can't help it.
Tom Falkenstein: 29:32
No, I can't help it, yeah, so I'm someone who asks questions but, similar to coming back to what we discussed earlier, of course they get all the most aware that you know there's a place and time for it and not every person is interested in having that conversation or this kind of conversation. Some might find it threatening or some might find it too personal, and that is OK too Right. But I think, in terms of my own tendencies, I think I'm much more willing to ask questions, obviously, yeah.
April Snow: 30:03
Yeah, just let's go deep yeah, yeah it is possible. That's always my, I think my point of view. But yeah, leaning back when you can tell people aren't receptive to it.
Tom Falkenstein: 30:12
Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely and then and being aware of it, exactly not steam, you know steamrolling you know exactly, just being aware, then maybe this is not the moment you know, or maybe maybe it's okay to step back a little bit and then maybe seek it elsewhere to make sure that need gets met uh, seek it elsewhere and I think that's you know. Comes back to what I said earlier I do feel my life. Thank god I have those people around me and I had them basically since childhood really to be honest.
Tom Falkenstein: 30:47
So I do feel I've got people around me where I can seek that depth. It doesn't have to be the other dad is at the swimming pool. You know right, but it could be right I love it thinking about.
April Snow: 31:02
Let's say, you're not a highly sensitive man, but you have one in your life. Maybe it's your son, your husband, your brother, your father. How can we start to support those men in our lives?
Tom Falkenstein: 31:15
I mean, it's so difficult, isn't it? It's a big question no-transcript.
Tom Falkenstein: 31:52
We're starting from scratch completely. There hasn't been done some really thorough research on this, you know, since the 90s. But I do think it depends on what the highly sensitive person in their life is struggling with. How can we support them? I think that depends on what do they struggle with. At which stage are they? Do they still struggle with the whole coming to terms with them that they might be more sensitive than their other friends or other people in their lives, or is it about something very specific? Is it more like the person struggles with their sensitivity at work or in their relationships? I think it really depends. But I think, broadly speaking, I would say support them by knowing something about it yourself and by not shaming them for being emotional or sensitive.
Tom Falkenstein: 32:43
I think, of course, if you're very emotional, very sensitive, I think it is your responsibility to to look after that yourself. You can't turn into other people's uh responsibility. But of course, we're not living in a vacuum and we live by the surroundings, with other people and we need, ideally, their acceptance and their support. So I think acceptance and non-shaming approach to thoughts and feelings are important, and I see this particularly also with young children. I mean, I don't work with children, but I often think when children ask other questions, that's a good thing, right, surely? So I think one way to support a highly sensitive boy or girl could be just to very much embody that. You know that. Yes, I like that you ask questions, I like that you think about this, or help them, obviously, to regulate their feelings. I think that is a way to support people.
April Snow: 33:38
Yeah, really, as hopefully you would do with any person. Really see them, meet them where they are, find out what they're struggling with and how you can be a support, while also encouraging them, at least if they're adults, to take action on their own behalf. Yeah, absolutely.
Tom Falkenstein: 33:54
Absolutely. I think that is really important and I do talk a lot in the book about self-compassion and obviously, in terms of you know, we talk about emotional regulation. I think mindfulness can be one aspect, but I I mean there are many other ways of trying to regulate our feelings and I think it's more self-learning and more self-compassion approach can be another one, but I think also self-compassion can be with ourselves, you know I mean a compassionate approach can also be firm.
Tom Falkenstein: 34:23
It doesn't have to be always, like you know. So that just is something that I think is just important to highlight and can you clarify, when you say firm self-compassion, what does that yeah?
Tom Falkenstein: 34:36
yeah, I just sort of feel like it can be. You know, when we find ourselves, maybe in situations, as a person, where we struggle with something and we don't want to do something, let's say we want to avoid a situation because we find it challenging, because maybe it's very overstimulating, or because it's really doesn't sit well with our you know, most of us are introverted, I think, and it doesn't sit well with that. I do think we can be compassionate and supportive to ourselves, but I think we can also, maybe at one point, not let ourselves off the hook all the time. I think there is, again, a balance between yes, this is difficult, and acknowledging what you're feeling and trying to work out what a nurturing response to your own feeling could be in that moment, in order to nurture your sensitive side, or the side in you that feels it needs nurturing or looking after from you. But I think you can also maybe encourage this side to take action or remind this side that you can do it, or what would I mean?
Tom Falkenstein: 35:39
Sounds so, not that sounds so simplified now when I say it, but I think, do you know? I mean it sounds so, not blasé, it sounds so simplified now when I say it, but I think, do you know what I mean? I think that sort of finding that balance between yes and yes, and I'm here and let's do this, let's try to do this together, but also let's try to do it together, let's do it together, let's do it from our own sort of Exactly.
April Snow: 35:58
Yeah, not letting yourself get stuck in that mindset of this is a burden. I'm yourself get stuck in that mindset of this is a burden I'm incapable as a sensitive person. Yes, finding that balance. How can you be active in your life, engaged in your life, without letting the sensitivity really topple you?
April Snow: 36:15
exactly there can't be a balance exactly, exactly, that's exactly it, much more eloquently just reflecting back what you said no, no, no, but that's exactly it, and you did that much more eloquently, just reflecting back what you said no, no, no, but that's exactly that's what I try to explain with many words. That's what I try to say yeah, we're here just reflecting each other. Tom, if you could leave listeners with one message of encouragement, what would that be?
Tom Falkenstein: 36:39
yeah, um, I think what I always try to say really is find out what you're struggling with related to your sensitivity. I mean, I'm sure there is, maybe there are some aspects that you find particularly difficult and think about whether you need help for them or whether you need to work on those areas that you feel maybe hold you back. I think we don't need to put ourselves out there. If you don't want to, we don't need to become extroverted, or. But I think if it holds you back and if there is something you actually want to do, but because of your sensitivity and maybe it blends into shyness or introversion, you're not doing it, I think then I would encourage seeking help or working on it in whatever that is, whatever is possible.
Tom Falkenstein: 37:30
Not everyone can afford therapy or pricey consultations, so it might just be joining a group or reading a book or reading blogs or whatever, practicing things yourself. And, on the other hand, on the flip side, I think what I talked about earlier is really just to enjoy the positive aspects of sensitivity, and by that I really mean that extra level of the seeking, the seeking depth, really seeking depth, and that particularly that sort of sensitivity towards nature. You know that sensitivity towards nature, sensitivity towards the arts often. I mean, I think that is so enriching and I think I would really really try to enjoy those aspects as much as possible and not shame yourself for being maybe a bit more emotional than other men or other women or a bit more sensitive than others. And I think that strikes me as really the core message, really right, because often I think men do feel some shame around it.
April Snow: 38:30
Yeah, absolutely Don't miss the beautiful parts of sensitivity.
Tom Falkenstein: 38:35
Yes.
April Snow: 38:35
And also look out where you're particularly struggling. It's probably not sensitivity itself. It's maybe one aspect where the sensitivity intersects.
Tom Falkenstein: 38:45
Yeah, absolutely absolutely as I think depends sometimes on where people are in their process, you know, and sometimes people are very much at the beginning and they just come to terms with the whole idea that they might be highly sensitive. But I think for others it's very specific things it might be a relationship, or it might be going to a party or not wanting to go to a party or whatever it is you know or feeling.
Tom Falkenstein: 39:07
You know, the question around how many children to have, or having any children really, you know, very sensitive, so I think there are some, often some very specific questions come up that maybe that might be addressing yeah, and using your depth of processing to dive into those questions can be really helpful, exactly exactly yes, tom, thank you so much for this beautiful conversation. I really enjoyed talking to you, April, and thank you very much for all the beautiful things you do within the community. You know I really mean it.
April Snow: 39:44
Thanks so much for joining me and Tom for today's conversation. What I hope you'll take away is that, while HSPs do have struggles, you also have a unique opportunity to experience depth and beauty. When you create space for what supports you, the difficulties of the trait begin to soften, to explore living well and finding strength and sensitivity. Pick up Tom's book the Highly Sensitive man anywhere you find your books or at the link in the show notes. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind-the-scenes content and more HSP resources. You can sign up for my email list or follow Sensitive Strengths on Instagram, tiktok and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitivestoriescom for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.
