20: Finding Peace at Home, Even Amidst the Chaos
With April Snow, LMFT
Are you able to fully relax and decompress at home? In this solo episode I answer two listener questions:
• What can you do to make moving to a new space less stressful?
• How can I manage living with other people?
April Snow, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist and author in California. She specializes in working with highly sensitive people to help calm the storm of overwhelm, anxiety, and self-doubt to allow their innate sensitive strengths to shine through. Deeply committed to changing the narrative of what it means to be highly sensitive, April has created and led HSP workshops all over the country as well as online through her Sensitive School. In addition to Find Your Strength: A Workbook for the Highly Sensitive Person, she has written Mindfulness Workbook for Stress Relief and The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person's Self-Care Journal.
Submit a Question: https://www.sensitivestories.com/ask
Additional Resources:
• The Highs and Lows of Moving as an HSP: https://www.sensitivestrengths.com/blog/moving
• Sensitive Sessions monthly workshop series to slow down, reflect, and understand yourself as a highly sensitive person: https://www.sensitivesessions.com
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This episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Some links are affiliate links. You are under no obligation to purchase any book, product or service. I am not responsible for the quality or satisfaction of any purchase.
Episode Transcript
April Snow: 0:00
But you might notice when you're completely alone there's a different internal experience. Maybe you can feel more yourself. You can just let things go in a way that you can't when other people are around. Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author, april Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this solo episode, I answered two listener questions what can you do to make moving to a new space less stressful, and how do you manage to live with other people when you're more impacted by the space around you? For more HSP resources and to see behind the scenes video from the podcast, join me on Instagram, tiktok or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths or sign up for my email list. Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom. And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with mental health or medical professional.
April Snow: 1:27
Let's dive in. So our first question is what can you do to make moving to a new space less stressful? So moving is stressful for most people. They say it's one of the most difficult events of life. But it's even more challenging for sensitive folks who thrive on comfort and routine. So let's just think about what happens during a move. So first you're deciding on where to move, which can create a lot of decision fatigue and then or anxiety as well you want to get it right. And then the act of packing and dismantling your current living space. It creates a lot of visual clutter the boxes, the bubble wrap, the paper that's all around. You're pulling everything out of its place. So it creates a lot of chaos. And, as people who are more impacted by their environment, who notice the little details when something's out of place or has changed, it's just a lot of input that you're needing to deal with and to process. And then you have the physical fatigue, the overwhelm of taking every spare moment and devoting it to the house, the apartment hunting process, the packing process, getting the supplies, deciding what to pack first, what you need to leave out to the last day, how you're going to move, who's going to be involved. There's just a lot of decisions to make. There's a lot of physical activity and things just to do, and so this really disrupts your not only your living space but your ability to relax, to focus on self-care. How do we make it a little bit easier or more easier on our nervous systems when we're highly sensitive? So, definitely prepping ahead as much as you can, labeling your box as well, making sure your essentials are easy to find.
April Snow: 3:46
I recently moved around a really busy time. I was doing some traveling, there was a lot going on at work and I was very meticulous in labeling my boxes. I created a color coded system. So I bought a bunch of different colored post-its and I assigned each room or area of the house had its own color post-it, and so then it was easy for the movers to put boxes exactly where they belonged and then it was easy for me to find. So then, on top of the post-it system, I made sure that anything that I knew I was going to need I labeled it on the box. So, like a fan, a cleaner medicine, certain foods, whatever it is that's essential to you, make sure that you know what box it's in.
April Snow: 4:34
So it just makes it a lot easier to find what you need in the moment, because I always think, oh, I'll remember where that is, I'll remember what box I put this item in or that item in. And it's just, it's a lot going on during that moving week or that moving day and we forget. So how can you set yourself up for success, for ease when it comes to settling into your new place? So, thinking ahead, if you can, you know what do I need when I arrive, how can I make this process easier in myself? And just devoting a little bit of extra time to that at the beginning. I've definitely moved other times where I just threw everything in boxes and figured, oh, let me just get things in boxes and then I'll deal with it later, and then it makes the settling in process at the next space really difficult. It's really taxing on your nervous system to not have what you need and very overwhelming to have to sort and move through boxes constantly.
April Snow: 5:29
So really giving yourself time to prepare can be really helpful and then, if possible, taking time off around the move. So with the packing you might just do that a little bit over time as you're moving up to the move. But then you want to make sure you have time off during the move and after the move to really settle in and to adjust. You know, when you're highly sensitive, we take more time with transitions. We need time to get used to our environment, to all the sensory input in that environment the sounds, the smells, maybe even the people. So when I moved recently, both sets of neighbors on each side came over, introduced themselves and unexpectedly I thought that was a nice gesture for sure, and I was happy to get to know them and I wasn't expecting that right. So there's lots of unknowns and there's new sounds. And when does the mail come? When does the trash get picked up? Just lots of little details to figure out, to settle into. So giving yourself time to take on all that new information is going to be really important.
April Snow: 6:36
So if you're also trying to work and do all of your other normal responsibilities at the same time as unpacking and just getting comfortable in this new space can be really taxing on your nervous system. A lot of people get sick or they maybe get more headaches, or they feel more anxious or whatever other stress. However stress shows up for you might start to pop up. So if you can give yourself even an extra day or two to settle in or even just to rest after the move itself, can make a big difference. And then, during that settling in process, getting your essentials unpacked first so it can be helpful again if you have your boxes labeled in a way that makes that easy and then set up as much as you need to have your regular everyday routine. So, whatever that is that's your bathroom supplies, your kitchen supplies, or at least the essentials there medication supplements, your blender, whatever it is, your exercise equipment, your yoga mat, whatever you need to feel a sense of normalcy where you can move through your daily routine in a way that you're familiar with and comfortable with. The sooner that you can do that in this new space, the better. So then you associate your routine with your new space and you feel safer. You feel more comfortable, more settled in, your nervous system's a bit happier. It's less of an abrupt, shocking transition Because not only are you in a new space but then you can't do what you need to do to take care of yourself. So if you can allow that to be in place sooner, that can make a big difference. And then you can get all the other things unpacked and organized and in their places in spurts over time as you have the energy and the bandwidth. So that can make a big difference.
April Snow: 8:25
I would say also, allow yourself more time than you think you're going to need to transition into your new space. So for me, I usually need about three to six months until I feel completely, 100% settled in. I'll feel generally settled, but still I can notice myself adjusting, still getting used to a space. I'm still knowing what cabinet to open for what item or feeling totally comfortable to do my normal practices, my normal yoga routine or just other pieces, or wanting to have guests over things like that. So just allowing yourself the time that you need not putting pressure on yourself, thinking everything's unpacked or I wanted to move here or this place is good enough. Why aren't I feeling more settled? Just giving yourself some space.
April Snow: 9:16
It's a lot to take in when you move to somewhere new. Just think about every part of your day. It now looks different, it feels different, it smells different, it sounds different and just the impact that has on your nervous system, as your nervous system, which is more tuned, more tuned, perceptive, sensitive, is trying to acclimate and make sense of all that input. You're going to need time for that to happen. It's not going to happen overnight. So really giving yourself space for that and being gentle on yourself throughout this time of adjustment and transition. So I would definitely recommend at least a week or two after a move, keeping your commitments really light, giving yourself extra space to rest and just be in your new space.
April Snow: 10:06
Allow yourself to acclimate, to build a relationship with this new space, to get comfortable in it, to live in it before you move around. There was ones I had moved and I had to travel immediately after and then, getting back, I was like, oh, this is, I'm not really feeling like I'm coming home and I really wish I would have just had time to settle in as soon as I've arrived at this living space, instead of getting on an airplane and same. If you're just going out, you're doing social activities or you're keeping yourself busy, which, if that feels better, I don't want to deter you from that. I feel like I think I need to go to my normal hike or my favorite cafe or my library or just anywhere that feels comfortable. You may need that as you settle in, so please do that if that feels best. But you may also just need time to settle into your home. Oh yeah, this is my home now. Here are my things in this home, and just allow yourself to rest and decompress from this big life change.
April Snow: 11:07
We put so much pressure on ourselves to get through things so quickly, to close the chapter, to move on to the next thing, when we really need time to adjust and to rest after big life events. So really allowing yourself that space can be really important. How can I manage living with other people? So, as a highly sensitive person, you are more impacted by the space around you the sights, the smells, the textures, just the aesthetics of it and you're going to notice clutter more. You're going to notice disorganization more. You're going to notice color and patterns and decorations more and be more impacted by that, whether it's positively or negatively. And you're definitely aware of other people's presence in your living space more than other people would.
April Snow: 12:05
So some people they can be alone in a room and they feel completely alone. They feel completely relaxed and they can completely unwind. However, sensitive people were more attuned to very subtle sounds, energies. So you may not be able to 100% relax or unmask when there's another person in the house, depending on who that person is. If it's a roommate, you might feel less comfortable than if it's a partner or a spouse or a child of yours. So this might change depending on who's in the house, but you might notice when you're completely alone there's a different experience, different internal experience. Maybe you can feel more yourself. You can just let things go in a way that you can't when other people are around. So what can you do?
April Snow: 12:58
If you live with people and that's not going to change, or you don't want it to change. You feel comfortable living with other people and also you want to make it easier. Or you might live with people that are difficult, whether they're messier or louder, or maybe you need to live at home for financial reasons or other reasons. Maybe you're a caregiver, so there's lots of scenarios where living with someone else is either necessary or better for your own circumstances. So if there's people that you have deeper relationships with, I'd say, think about balancing quality time with those people and also solo time to rest and recharge.
April Snow: 13:43
I have this struggle. Whenever my wife's home, I'm like, oh, I just want to hang out with her, I want to spend time with her, but then sometimes I'm overriding a need for recharge time. This happens a lot on Fridays at the end of my week. So Fridays are usually my day to do nothing, and if she's home early from work I'm like, oh, it's time to hang out, when really I just need time to decompress after a week of seeing clients and working. But just looking at that for yourself, are you sacrificing solo quiet time because you want to spend time with people, which is valid, but maybe making sure you also protect your solo time, your self-care time, or are you feeling pressure to hang out with people in the house? Yeah, I know, both of those can be true, but making sure that you do have alone time.
April Snow: 14:33
It's really essential, as a highly sensitive person, to process all that information you take in every single day and to sort through your thoughts and your big feelings and just to soothe your nervous system. Allow yourself to decompress, especially after a busy day or a busy week so essential or any type of socializing or big projects, and then you might want to also take advantage of quiet time. So for me, I like to cook without distraction. So when I've lived with people before, in addition to my or outside of my wife, I would batch, cook or do laundry or even enjoy outdoor spaces when folks were either working or out, so I could just enjoy it and have that quiet and just immerse in my own bubble. I love to spend time in the kitchen where I can just enjoy right, without distraction. I just immerse myself in whatever I'm cooking or baking, and it's more of a tactile self-care activity in addition to providing food for myself. So you may think about that also.
April Snow: 15:44
Maybe you take advantage of quiet times in the house when you can do chores or enjoy the space and when folks are not around, and then communicating that right, if it feels appropriate communicating hey, here's what I'm gonna. I want to use different spaces. Maybe we can create time blocks or house rules or we can work with each other to find times that we can each use the space in a way that works for us. That may or may not work, depending on who you live with. If you live with parents, it's going to be a lot different than if you live with roommates. With roommates, there should be more of an equal power dynamic. With parents, they're most likely seeing you as a child or there's a little bit of a power differential there that may need to be considered. So you may need to work around the rules of the house versus being a co-collaborator. But if you are in a more equal dynamic with roommates or spouse or friends.
April Snow: 16:45
Then talking it through hey, I really need to cook once a week or twice a week uninterrupted, and when would it work for you that I could do that? And then, what do you need and how can I also meet your needs as well? So then, you're supporting each other, Everyone is getting their needs met, and it's going to be really important to create a sanctuary somewhere in the house most likely your bedroom right A space that you can retreat to, that's quiet, that's visually pleasing. This is especially important if you live with people that are messy or cluttered or noisy. Having a space that you can relax in is going to be really important, and setting up that space, maybe in a soft, minimal way to counteract the energy in the rest of the house and have things in there that feel inspiring, that feel comforting. So really putting a lot of thought into the space that's yours when you're cohabitating with other people, that's gonna be really important. Okay, this is my little getaway, this is my sanctuary. This is my little getaway, this is my sanctuary, this is my space, where I have agency and control. And then something that's really helped me, which may help you as well, is finding spaces outside of your home that meet your needs. So maybe you retreat to a quiet place once a week, once a day. Even it could be your room, or it could be your car, it could be a library or a park or someplace in nature, the woods or the ocean, it could be your favorite store, it could be any place that you find comforting or you can relax right, you can unwind a bit. So what is that place for you? And then making sure you're allowing space to show up there regularly, wherever it is, and then, if you want to take that up a notch, getting a hotel room once a month locally, if that's financially feasible.
April Snow: 18:49
When I was in grad school, I lived with family, and being able to have a space that I could retreat to overnight really was helpful. So I was living with a few different family members at the time and the space was more social. It was more a bustling home environment and, especially during graduate school, becoming a therapist, I just needed to fully decompress, to not engage with anyone, to have complete quiet. I was really stretching myself in a lot of ways during that time, and so getting one night away was such a lifesaver because it allowed me to fully unplug, decompress, not think about anyone else and just feel taken care of, not needing to do any chores or anything when you're, when you are away from home. It allows you to unhook from all the responsibilities and you can just focus on yourself. So if that's feasible, I highly recommend it. It might seem silly getting a hotel room 15, 20, 30 minutes from your house, but it can also make a big difference if you live with other people. So those are just a few ways to make cohabitating with others a little bit easier on your nervous system, and it may involve making some choices that other people don't need to make or wouldn't make, and that's okay, right.
April Snow: 20:18
Just practicing meeting your sensitive needs, looking inside of yourself instead of outward to decide what those needs are and then meeting them. Needs are and then meeting them. Thanks so much for joining me for today's solo episode. What I hope you'll take away is that moving and cohabitating with other people can be less stressful when you intentionally prioritize your sensitive needs and give yourself time to make transitions. Remember to look inward for what your needs are, not around you, for what other people are doing and for more resources. Be sure to check out the show notes and if you'd like to submit a question for a future episode. You can go to sensitivestoriescom If you enjoyed future episode. You can go to sensitivestoriescom If you enjoyed this episode. Subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind-the-scenes content and more HSP resources. You can sign up for my email list or follow Sensitive Strengths on Instagram, tiktok and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitivestoriescom for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.
