15: Show Up in Your Relationships Without Resentment
With April Snow, LMFT
Are you constantly putting the needs of others before yourself and struggling to show up as your full self in relationships? In this solo episode I answer two listener questions:
• Why do I feel so much resentment in my relationships?
• How do you tell people you are an HSP?
April Snow, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist and author in California. She specializes in working with highly sensitive people to help calm the storm of overwhelm, anxiety, and self-doubt to allow their innate sensitive strengths to shine through. Deeply committed to changing the narrative of what it means to be highly sensitive, April has created and led HSP workshops all over the country as well as online through her Sensitive School. In addition to Find Your Strength: A Workbook for the Highly Sensitive Person, she has written Mindfulness Workbook for Stress Relief and The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person's Self-Care Journal.
Submit a Question: https://www.sensitivestories.com/ask
Additional Resources:
• The Better Boundaries Journal by Sharon Martin: https://bookshop.org/a/63892/9781648482755
• Sensitive Sessions Monthly Support: https://www.sensitivesessions.com
• The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron: https://bookshop.org/a/63892/9780553062182
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This episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Some links are affiliate links. You are under no obligation to purchase any book, product or service. I am not responsible for the quality or satisfaction of any purchase.
Episode Transcript
April Snow: 0:00
We often will give others what we want for ourselves and then we're frustrated or resentful that it's not coming back.
April Snow: 0:14
Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author author, april Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this solo episode, I answered two listener questions why do I feel so much resentment in my relationships? And also, how do you tell people that you're a highly sensitive person? For more HSP resources and to see behind-the-scenes video from the podcast, join me on Instagram, tiktok or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths or sign up for my email list. Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom. And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Let's dive in. He's often feeling resentful in their relationships. As a highly sensitive person, you're probably giving a lot to others, but maybe not getting as much back. Being highly empathetic, we often put others first. We take care of the people in our lives, but we often forget to take care of ourselves and so often we're giving too much. We're saying yes to every invite, we're helping people when they need it, but we're not setting boundaries. So that could be one reason the resentment is there. When the resentment is there, it means there's an imbalance of sorts. There's a lot going out, but there's not a lot or anything coming back to you, and so you can start to feel empty or to feel frustrated, invalidated, misunderstood. There's a lot of other feelings that can go along with the resentment. So the first step is checking in how much am I giving, and is there a need to set a boundary, to maybe pull back a little bit, to turn that attention back to yourself, to offer yourself some empathy and some care instead of giving it all away? So founders can look a lot of different ways. They can be direct or indirect. You can flat out say no to invites and to helping folks as much as you are, or you can compromise a bit. Maybe you're still helping, you're still supporting, but doing it a little bit less. And maybe you're asking for compromises when someone invites you to do something, saying I'm happy to go out to lunch. Can we go to this other spot instead that's a little more quiet, so your nervous system feels okay and you're not overstimulated and getting back from the hangout feeling completely depleted and possibly resentful because the other person is fine and unimpacted. Or are there ways that you just maybe pull back?
April Snow: 3:32
You don't answer texts after a certain hour of the day, or there's a day of the week where you go a little bit quiet, so you may or may not communicate those things to other people, depending on the relationship. And it's also important to look at are you doing for others what you're really wanting done for yourself? This is one that I realized recently that I'm guilty of, where I will want something done or I appreciate a certain gesture, and we often hear about the love, languages, quality time or gifts or words of affirmation. So we often will give others what we want for ourselves and then we're frustrated or resentful that it's not coming back and, as sensitive people, we're often not communicating or asking directly what we want. Because we're highly intuitive, we're highly perceptive, we're highly empathetic, we can read people really well. We often know what they need before they do, or we know what they need without them needing to say it. It's another reason we're really good gift givers. We're really good at intuiting what people want. We pick up on those little hints. However, not everyone else is as capable of doing that. Even if someone's highly sensitive, if they're overstimulated, if they're burned out, they're stressed or sick, they're not gonna have access to that same capacity to notice. So that's another thing you could do in addition to setting boundaries, is checking in. How am I giving, not just how much, but in what way am I giving? And is there opportunity there to maybe ask for something Instead of doing something hoping someone catches on? Can I ask directly, or even just even a little bit more directly, being a little bit more explicit about what I need instead of waiting for the other person to notice, because that may not happen.
April Snow: 5:30
And another reason that you may be feeling resentful in your relationships, feeling that imbalance, is that you're feeling misunderstood when you're not able to ask for your needs or not actually asking for your needs met or used to giving so much, and the relationship has maybe become a little bit one-sided. It's easy to feel invalidated, to feel missed, to not feel cared for and in absence of care, resentment just starts to explode. Right, it just fuels to the fire. Resentment just starts to explode right, it just fuels to the fire, and so this is another reason to see if you can take up a little bit more space in the relationship, making a request hey, I'd really like to talk about this. Or I had a really hard day. Do you have any space so I can process this? Or I'm feeling pretty anxious today. Can we just have a night in on the couch and just little ways that you can start to interject your needs and start to shift the balance a bit?
April Snow: 6:30
Because not everyone notices when there's an imbalance. Not that they're doing it on purpose Some people might, but it's usually folks just don't notice. You've gotten into a rhythm in the relationship and they're used to it being a certain way and they're not as perceptive, they're not as intuitive, so they may not notice if you're feeling a little bit off or irritable or emotional, especially if you're not being outright with it. So see if you can take up a little bit of space and see if you can advocate for your needs just a bit and then say no or ask for something different when you're giving too much. Shouldn't you tell people that you're highly sensitive? And if so, how do you do it? What does it sound like?
April Snow: 7:13
So there's lots of reasons to disclose that you're a highly sensitive person. It really helps people understand you more, understand your needs more and then, bonus, you might actually find some other HSPs, which would be a big benefit. But there's also a lot of drawbacks or fears or risks around disclosing that you're highly sensitive. You may be used to people misunderstanding you. They may not quite take the trait seriously. A lot of people say is that real? Are you just making that up for attention or to get out of something? You might get a lot of that pushback. If you do decide to disclose. You find that the person feels safe enough. You feel that they would be somewhat receptive. It would allow you to take up more space in the relationship.
April Snow: 8:03
I'd say there's two approaches. One is you can be direct. You can say explicitly I'm a highly sensitive person, here's what that is. Or you can be indirect, which is talking about your HSP experience. Here's how I am, here's what my needs are because of that. So let's get into both. So saying that you're a highly sensitive person, that might sound like you're going to lay out the foundation. You've probably noticed that I'm more empathetic. You've noticed that I think deeply about things or I'm more impacted by what happens around me, and I learned because of that. I am a highly sensitive person.
April Snow: 8:40
I have this trait called sensory processing sensitivity, which actually 30% of people are born with. So it's important to include some facts about the trait. You can use the official term sensory processing sensitivity if that feels right before. That will legitimize it, and you can also let people know that other people have this trait. It's been studied extensively over the past 30 years all over the world and it's found that 30% of people are born with this trait. It's not a result of trauma. It's not the same as autism or ADHD or anxiety or bipolar disorder or all the other misconceptions you've heard. It's its own thing and it's also found in a hundred other species at least, like primates, mice, fish, insects. So it's not just found in humans and you can let people know that being highly sensitive isn't just about emotions. It's not just about emotional sensitivity.
April Snow: 9:36
The primary part of the trait is having a brain that's deeply processing, so having more active thoughts and need to reflect. You can let folks know that because of this, you have different needs. You get more easily overstimulated. You need more time to rest, which they've probably noticed. So that's one approach is connecting the trait to your experiences that they've observed and allowing it to be a conversation that introduces your needs, so you can have that be an ongoing exchange.
April Snow: 10:08
The other part is to be more vague. Let's say someone may not be receptive to the trait, the language of the trait, or it's just someone you don't know as well, so you don't need to go into as much detail, but you do need to identify that you have a different need and why you're having that need. So that could sound like I pick up a lot of details, I'm really empathetic, so I get tired more easily. I need time alone to decompress, on my lunch break or after work. Let's say you're talking to a coworker and they're constantly requesting that you go out to lunch with them. You could say, actually I need that time to rest. I'm very detailed, I pick up a lot of details and I'm very empathetic, so I need that time to recharge. I can get back to my work in the second half of the day feeling focused. Or if it's with a partner or a roommate, you could say after work, I'm really excited to connect with you also, however, for me to be present, I first need to take a little bit of time to decompress, have some alone time. So those are just two different strategies, depending on how much depth that you wanna go into, how safe you feel with the person, how receptive you think they'll be and how much information they need to know before you can get your needs met.
April Snow: 11:33
Thanks so much for joining me for today's solo episode. I hope it inspires you to take up a little bit more space in your relationships and share more about your sensitivity in a way that feels right for you. If you'd like to submit a question for a future episode, go to sensitivestoriescom. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind-the-scenes content and more HSB resources. You can sign up for my email list or follow Sensitive Strengths on Instagram, tiktok and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitivestoriescom for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.
