03: Being Good Enough
With Alissa Boyer
What’s possible when you value your sensitive gifts and come out of the margins of your own life? In this episode, I talk with HSP Mentor Alissa Boyer about finding your worth as an HSP and:
Navigating big life changes as an HSP such as moving, changing careers, and becoming a parent.
Learning to quiet perfectionism to make more room for what’s calling you.
How to have better boundaries at work and with yourself.
Sitting with the short-term discomfort of setting boundaries and speaking your needs in service of creating a more fulfilling life, finding your purpose.
Doing your best with what you have available, knowing that you’re good enough just as you are.
Raising your self-worth and believing in yourself and your needs as a highly sensitive person.
Alissa is a Mentor for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) with a passion for helping fellow HSPs learn how to unapologetically embrace their sensitivity and use it as a strength in their lives. She’s the creator of several online programs including The Sensitive & Soulful Vault and Sensitive & Soulful Self-Worth. Alissa also offers business mentorship to HSPs and hosts a podcast called The Sensitive & Soulful Show.
Keep in touch with Alissa:
• Website: https://www.sensitiveandsoulful.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lifebyalissa
Resources Mentioned:
• Alissa's Empath Archetype Quiz
• Alissa's Sensitive and Soulful Podcast
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron
Thanks for listening!
You can also follow "SensitiveStrengths" for behind-the-scenes content plus more educational and inspirational HSP resources:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sensitivestrengths
If you have a moment, please rate and review the podcast, it helps Sensitive Stories reach more HSPs!
This episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Some links are affiliate links. You are under no obligation to purchase any book, product or service. I am not responsible for the quality or satisfaction of any purchase.
Episode Transcript
Alissa: 0:00
felt like there was something wrong with me and like I was broken. And now it made it, put the puzzle pieces together, like I was trying to keep up in an environment that I was not designed for.
April: 0:16
Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author, april Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this episode, I talk with Alyssa Boyer about navigating big life changes as a highly sensitive person, learning to quiet perfectionism, to make more room for what's calling you, what's actually possible when you value your sensitive gifts and you come out of the margins of your own life, and how to have better boundaries at work and with yourself.
April: 1:03
Alyssa is a mentor for highly sensitive people with a passion for helping HSP's learn how to unapologetically embrace their sensitivity and use it as a strength in their own lives. She's the creator of several online programs, including the Sensitive and Sulfill Vault and Sensitive and Sulfill Self-worth. Alyssa also offers business mentorship to HSP's and hosts a podcast called the Sensitive and Sulfill Show. Alyssa, can you start off by telling me your HSP discovery story? This is something I don't know about you. How did you discover that you're highly sensitive?
Alissa: 1:38
Ooh, yes, I always knew I was a sensitive person, right, like most of us were like. Oh, we always heard we're so sensitive and that was just a part of me growing up. But it wasn't until I was in my early 20s that I discovered the term highly sensitive person and really I discovered it at a time when I was really struggling. Basically, I was working in my first corporate job out of college. I had gone to school for retail management and I got this really cool job opportunity in California. I was born and raised in Minnesota, so I moved from Minnesota to Southern California for this job opportunity. It actually started as an internship with the potential of becoming a job.
Alissa: 2:20
I was working in this job and I was really trying to keep up with all of the people around me. It was a very fast-paced environment. I'm a very driven person, high achieving type, so I wanted to keep up. I wanted to get a raise because I wanted to make California my home and I was barely making any money. So I was very driven and I was also navigating, being in a new state where I had one friend and I didn't have a lot of money and I was just like, oh my gosh, also getting over a breakup.
Alissa: 2:50
I just had a lot of stuff going on, and so I started developing digestive issues that started to get worse and worse. So at first I could subside the pain when I would eat gluten-free or when I would avoid dairy, but over time I started to find that I couldn't make the pain go away, and even eating gluten-free was not helping anymore, and I was starting to get really stressed. I'm like what the heck is even going on? I couldn't figure it out. So I went to all these different gastroenterologists and no one was able to give me a clear answer. They're like oh, you're just stressed. Oh, I don't know, I'm not seeing anything on your test results Super frustrating.
Alissa: 3:28
Eventually I went to see a holistic doctor, a Chinese medicine practitioner. I had never gone that route in my entire life, but I was desperate. And so in working with him I learned that I had something called small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, otherwise known as terrible and I had leaky gut, and he told me that part of it was contributed by diet, but a lot of it was contributed by emotional stress that I was holding on to, and so basically, this kicked off this whole personal development whirlwind for me, where I just started getting interested in. Why was I so stressed? What was I holding on to? What did I have? Trauma, what is this?
Alissa: 4:06
And I started reading self-help books and my mom actually had come across the book the Highly Sensitive Person by Dr Elaine Aaron and she was like hey, I think you should read this. It seems to describe you. And so I read that in a weekend and it was the first time in my life I felt truly seen. It was like, oh, finally, I have a reason why I always felt like there was something wrong with me and like I was broken. And now it put the puzzle pieces together, like I was trying to keep up in an environment that I was not designed for. Highly sensitive, oh, my gosh, everything made sense for me. The main thing was like maybe I'm not broken. I always thought I was broken, so that was huge for me.
April: 4:47
That's huge. How many of us have thought that Some things are wrong with me, I need to be different, I'm broken? And then you just have this epiphany of oh, I have a different nervous system, I'm more impacted by things going on around me and maybe I'm not broken right, maybe I'm okay. And just thinking about you, because I remember when I moved to California from the East Coast. It's a big change. Just that alone is a big change. And you don't have your normal support system. Everything is different. So you moving from Minnesota, the climate is different, the landscape, the people, how people engage with each other.
April: 5:24
And at the same time you're doing an internship. I didn't go into my internship as a therapist for a couple of years. I needed time, so I just can't imagine being thrown into that and the impact on your body.
Alissa: 5:34
Yeah, the crazy thing too was I learned about the internship and then I had a three week turnaround. I learned about it and they were like okay, you have three weeks to move cross country to California and it was one of those things where I was like, ideally I would have more time, but if I missed this opportunity I'm going to be sad. There was no transition. Find a place to live, find a car and you're going to change your whole life in three weeks. It was crazy.
April: 5:58
Yeah, that is so fast. So you have this weekend where, of course, as most of us that we devour the book. I was a sensitive person because it's like finally someone speaking my language, Everything makes sense for me. It was like, oh, everything in my whole life made sense. So then what happens after? You realize I'm highly sensitive and I'm still in this environment that maybe is moving at a pace that isn't supportive. What do you do next?
Alissa: 6:22
I really started getting into meditation and finding ways to regulate my system in this environment, because at the time I was still planning to work there. I didn't have a lot of options and I was like, okay, how can I make it so that I can deal with this environment in the best possible way without it totally breaking me? And it was hard. I also had a boss who was extremely overbearing and extremely anxious and he would come to my desk and I would literally get a stomach ache because I could just feel his anxiety and it was just like everything was a fire drill. Also, I had to start having better boundaries with myself because before I knew I was highly sensitive. I would literally wake up at 4.30 in the morning sometimes to finish a project because I was so obsessed with impressing my boss and doing a good job and I was also scared of messing up. So I would just not have boundaries and I would stay late because that's what other people were doing. And so I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not designed to work in these long, crazy hours. I have to learn to shut it off.
Alissa: 7:24
And I remember reading this book I talk about it all the time the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and one of them the Agreements was always do your best. For some reason that really helped me, because I used to burn myself out trying to be perfect. But when I realized that do your best is going to look different each day and sometimes you have less energy and that's also good enough. That was a game changer. So I was meditating, I was tapping reading books and listening to uplifting podcasts on the way to work, just to be in a good state of mind as much as I could.
April: 7:57
You were resourcing in every way that you knew how and filling your tank back up in a very intentional and consistent way. It sounds yes definitely.
Alissa: 8:07
I learned a lot about regulation in that very dysregulating time.
April: 8:11
Exactly, and when you said do your best, at first I was like, oh, that's a little bit dangerous for perfectionist HSV. But it sounds like what you're saying is do your best with what you have available.
Alissa: 8:22
Yes, yes, exactly. It was knowing that your best is going to look different each day. And recently I heard someone say to oh, if you're at 30%, then you can give 30% that day. So if you had a bad night's sleep and you're not feeling great, you don't have to give 100%. It's just a shift for me.
April: 8:40
Exactly, and if 30% is all you have, that's 100% that day, exactly, yeah, exactly. Oh, it feels so good to say it, I think. A lot of times HSVs are already giving more anyway. So our 70% is often someone else's. 100%, would you?
Alissa: 8:54
say that's true. Yes, very much, very much. When I'm working with my clients, coaching them, they're so hard on themselves and I'm like you were literally going above and beyond and doing so much more than most people would do. But we are our own worst critics.
April: 9:06
It's true. It's like look how much you're giving and sacrificing already, and yet we still think we need to do more.
Alissa: 9:13
How do you?
April: 9:13
help your clients unhook from that you talked about regulation and resourcing. What else is helpful when you're thinking about clients that are perfectionists?
Alissa: 9:23
I always am asking why do you feel like you need to do more? What's beneath it? A huge part of the work that I do with HSVs is helping them raise their self-worth and feel more confident and just feel good enough and valuable as they are. And in my own experience and with many of the people I work with, we're often overgiving and overdoing and overachieving because we're trying to gain that approval and acceptance from other people or we're trying to prove to ourselves see, I can keep up and we're burning ourselves out and literally making ourselves sick a lot of times in the process.
Alissa: 9:56
So it's like when you know why you are doing it and if it's coming from an unhealthy place, then it's okay, I can recognize that maybe this isn't the most healthy, helpful pattern. I was trying to be perfect at work because I have a brother who's really smart, like super book smart, and I would always compare myself to him and I would then found myself in an analytical job where it's like, oh, here's my opportunity to prove that I can be good with numbers too. I was making myself sick. Trying to essentially was like pleasing my dad, trying to get a tension from my parents as an adult. So that recognition was really game changing for me, because I could see in the times where I was like trying to go into the overworking pattern it's oh, I know I am doing this and it's not for the right reasons.
April: 10:43
It's true, we can get stuck in thinking there's only one way to have value, like you said, like your brother's an analytical job, and thinking like, oh, this is the way to have value or to be good enough, and yet, seeing the work that you do and the impact that you have on your community, there's lots of other ways to show up and be super valuable in the work that you do.
Alissa: 11:05
Yeah, yeah, totally, and I naturally couldn't get emotional even talking about this, because it's the things that I once thought were the bad parts of me the more creative, the emotional, sensitive parts of me. That's now like everything that I lean into and, yes, I'm analytical too and I like that part as well. But I was trying to fit into a role that wasn't me before and I was making myself sick and then it was like, oh, now that I'm leaning into my natural way of being, I feel so much better and I'm being authentic.
April: 11:37
Oftentimes we think what others are doing or what others are expecting is the right thing, that they might know more than we do about our own needs or how we should live our lives. Can you say more about your own personal experience about that? You talked about that a little bit, but I'm curious if there's more.
Alissa: 11:53
Definitely what I've experienced and what I see in other HSPs is a lot of lack of self-trust and assuming other people know better, assuming others haven't figured out and they have the answer. And when I think about that, I would always defer to others to make decisions, even where we're going to eat or what show we're going to watch, because I was honestly afraid of making the wrong choice and then somebody being disappointed or uncomfortable, so I always would just let other people choose because I didn't want to deal with that. I just made myself out to not have any needs because that felt safer for me. And the other piece of it too was I just didn't trust that I knew what was best.
Alissa: 12:34
When I look back on this, a lot of it was I felt like I couldn't trust my inner knowing because I had heard so much that I was so sensitive and, oh, you're making this a big deal, why can't you just deal with it? So I would think, oh, the way that I feel and think is wrong. So how could I possibly tap into my inner knowing and how could that be right? There's no way. I just didn't know how to trust it. But learning how to trust your inner voice and listen to it is essential to feeling more confident, and it's one of our greatest gifts that sensitive people is to lean into our intuition and see where that guides us, because we do have a strong one, but a lot of times we're so closed off to it.
April: 13:12
We've had to be right for survival 100% yes.
April: 13:16
Yeah, when someone is saying you're too sensitive or don't feel this way, you shouldn't feel this way, it literally starts to degrade your trust of yourself, your ability to connect with your instincts and even just to be inside of yourself. I think we, at least for me, I started just to detach. Okay, I just need to focus outward and disconnect from my emotions or what I think is right, because clearly I'm on the wrong track. At least that's what other people are telling me. So it sounds like you had a similar experience.
Alissa: 13:46
Very much. Yeah, I just was so unaware of what I needed. It wasn't even something I thought of, because I was so attached to how everyone else was responding to me that just felt like the most important thing.
April: 13:59
It does feel like the most important thing, because what's the consequence? Disconnection, or people being angry at us or getting it wrong, or even just that pressure of if I decide something and people don't like it, then they're looking back at me. It's a lot to deal with, so it's better just to say nope, it's going to detach.
Alissa: 14:16
Exactly.
April: 14:17
Is that the space that you were in still when you moved to California, or had you already started to shift that?
Alissa: 14:24
I was definitely in that space. I would say that my move to California was definitely a major catapult in me learning to trust myself, because it was the first time I had ever done something like that, where it was this radical move that was like, whoa, I'm leaving behind my family and friends. I've never done anything like that, but it was such a shift for me to just feel that fear and be like you know what. I'm more afraid of not doing this than I'm afraid of doing this.
Alissa: 14:54
I still remember my first friendships here and just how awkward and uncomfortable I felt in group settings, especially not being from here and feeling like I didn't know all the coolest things, I didn't know how to dress, I didn't know what people were talking about. I remember judging myself a lot, feeling like an outsider, just feeling very uncomfortable. So I was in that space for I'd say the first two years of living here I was really just like coming to terms with who am I? How do I tell myself I'm okay, as I am in a place where I don't always feel like I fit in. It was very confronting, especially because I felt like at first I felt like, oh, I was escaping all of my insecurities that I could leave it behind in the past and start fresh. But no, they actually follow you and the same issues keep popping up. So yeah, I was dealing with that a lot.
April: 15:46
Yeah, it's the fantasy right Move to a brand new place. A fresh start there's. All those associations are gone, but nothing shifts inside until we're really ready. Just thinking about how brave it was for you to make this big leap on your own, to decide I'm going to make a big change, You're going to move to a completely different area, start this brand new internship and really stand on my own two feet.
Alissa: 16:11
That must have been really intense, it was intense, it was intense and it was invigorating. It's funny because when I think about like why did I do that or how did I do that, I think part of me really was running away from the discomfort that I had felt because I had been in such an unhealthy relationship in college and I had that had ended and I was so just distraught and I wasn't happy with who I was and I almost felt like this was like dangling in front of me as a way that I could escape it. So it was almost like this drive to prove other people wrong, like the people who doubted me in high school or who made fun of me. It was like, nope, here's my opportunity. So it was like this like drive inside of me where I almost didn't even let myself Feel any of the fear because I was like I have to do this in an effort to, maybe unconsciously, move away from some of those bigger feelings.
April: 17:04
You ended up right in the middle of them.
Alissa: 17:07
Yes, yes, and it was like getting the stomach issues. That was something I couldn't ignore. You can't live with it for long because it was the list of foods I could eat was diminishing by the day, and so it felt like it was meant to be for me to just be confronted with that and Be like okay, you've got to make a change. It woke me, up to it and I feel like that's happens for a lot of sensitive people, where we have this like breaking point, where it's okay, I have to learn a new way of living, and we don't know that we need to do that until it's like in our face sometimes.
April: 17:38
I think we often talk about people, sensitive people, being, you know, fragile or weak, but let's say, someone is feeling or going through something, and we're going through and feeling the same thing, but we're feeling at a thousand times of a magnitude and we're nuanced, and yet we don't think of ourselves as strong or resilience. It's incredible to me.
Alissa: 17:59
Yeah, no, you're so right. Most people are so afraid of feeling anything. There's so much of people just cutting off and disconnecting in the world and when you're sensitive it's hard to do that. Obviously you can, but it's not healthy. You're a hundred percent right. We are feeling it at a greater magnitude, it's more intense for us and a lot of us are trying to Express those emotions and share, and that's vulnerable and that it takes.
April: 18:24
It does take strength and resilience for sure, I think a lot of us have this kind of breaking point moment that you talked about, where, like, we're seeking what's going on with me. For some people it's a digestive Issue, for others, you know, getting migraines Relentlessly. Or for me, I get a lot of skin issues that pop up and I'm like, okay, it's time to pay attention. For others, it could be emotional. There's so many different ways our body will scream at us and say Pay attention to me, you need something different. So there's these more obvious Signs that you get to what we just can't ignore and I think we're used to. We're used to living in discomfort as sensitive people. In some ways, you can maybe ignore for longer than others might be able to. What are some of the subtler signs? You talked about valuing yourself and making your own decisions and Taking care of yourself, letting yourself take up space right, letting yourself set boundaries Because you had to. But what are some of the more sneaky signs of maybe I'm not valuing myself as an HSP?
Alissa: 19:30
Something I noticed a lot and I didn't even realize it was an issue until I started working with people and it just reminded me. I will notice a lot of people will take things very personally and feel like, oh, let's say, their friend sends them a text and they use a period instead of an exclamation point. A lot of sensitive people will be like what did I do wrong? Or their co-worker like Doesn't seem as friendly in the hallway or something like that, with these little moments and immediately going into what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Obviously, as sensitive people were really good at picking up other people's energy and we're usually right if something we can feel, if something is off. But the issue I see is a lot of times we're immediately assuming that we're in the wrong and we messed up, and that's where I see it's like a lot of Insecurity and assuming, oh my gosh, what did I do wrong? And I used to struggle with that a lot.
Alissa: 20:19
Or let's say, you have something coming up, you're gonna go to a work party or you have a holiday party or something like that where you're gonna be around people, and it's normal, of course, to have maybe some nerves about and thinking about okay, how's it gonna go, what am I gonna eat, what time am I gonna leave, like the normal stressors.
Alissa: 20:36
But there's times where I'll work with people and they are like distraught, like it is eating them apart, and they're just like so anxious about it and feeling so uncomfortable.
Alissa: 20:46
What I always tell people is it's not about being able to go into situations and just being perfect and which is not possible and being like an outgoing person that you might not be, but it's about just being Like good with who you are in those situations, and if you trip over your words, I'm human, so it's like that ability. Noticing, though, when you're being really hard on yourself, feeling really worried, I always like to point back at where are you feeling like your personal value comes from, because a lot of times, we're thinking oh, I have to show up perfectly, I have to say it perfectly, I can't have anyone be mad at me, I have to be the star employee all the time. Another thing, too, is I'll see people and I've done this myself having no work boundaries, where they're working through their lunch break and they're working late just to make their boss happy, like what we were saying earlier. Why do you feel like you need to do that why.
April: 21:35
Looking a little deeper and you know, as you're able to. Before I became a therapist and I was that person that had no work boundaries. I would stay until 2 am and I would be back at 9 am and I would just be constantly available, and it wasn't an effort to. I think there's two things effort to be enough. Also in an effort to do work I wanted to do, but other people maybe weren't as on board with, so I found a way to skirt around it instead of saying, hey, I want to do work, my work differently. I have these ideas. I was just being indirect, but I burnt out in the process. Oh, we're constantly trying to be perfect. What if we work on having a little more tolerance for discomfort?
Alissa: 22:17
Yes.
April: 22:18
Yes, and just slow it down. Look at how well you were actually already doing Mm-hmm and look how much you're already giving. You don't need to give anymore, you're okay. Yes yes it's so hard. I'm sure we both see this with HSPs. Something usually happens early on, where all those different messages start to pile up and you think not good enough.
Alissa: 22:42
Mm-hmm.
April: 22:43
I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect or just to be okay. It's so sad.
Alissa: 22:48
It is. It is yeah, I have so much empathy and I have compassion for my past self just the things that pile on top of you and the stories that it creates and it's I Always tell people. It makes sense that you would feel this way. It makes sense that you're doing these things because you're trying to protect yourself, because you've been hurt and you don't want to keep being hurt.
April: 23:06
I think the work is how can you let yourself be a little bit more imperfect or human? Like you said, I'm human, okay to make mistakes and it's okay to do less.
Alissa: 23:18
Yes, and I love what you said. I mean I say this all the time with feeling that discomfort and expanding our tolerance for discomfort, because For us, as sensitive people, we have different needs and we have such an empathetic, caring heart and the hardest thing for us is to express our needs, a lot of times because we don't want to upset people and we struggle with setting boundaries, so it's our natural way of being can be in conflict with what we need to do. We need to assert ourselves and share our needs and set boundaries, but that's the scariest thing for us to do. Of course, doing that it's gonna be uncomfortable, but it's good for us. So I'm always like which discomfort will we choose? It's like the discomfort of being resentful, burnt out, exhausted, or the discomfort of speaking up for yourself and not knowing how the other person will respond.
April: 24:06
It's like a short-term discomfort, or a long-term discomfort, yes, which is extra sticky. So let's say you do get to a point of burnout that doesn't go away very easily, whereas if you have a difficult conversation in the moment, things might actually turn around Right. You might actually be able to work and live in a way that's more supportive. And I think typically we are so prepared for those types of conversations, because we think about it so thoroughly, that oftentimes it goes a lot better than we think.
Alissa: 24:37
Yes, you're so right. Yeah, a lot of times we're making it out to be way scarier, and a lot of times it feels scary too because we haven't had a lot of experience doing that. So it's like this big, daunting thing. But then, I know, after you do it and you share your needs, you feel elated a lot of times oh my gosh, I did it. Wow, you're so proud of yourself. You give yourself a little boost of confidence. It's getting that self-trust back when you stand up for yourself and share what you need, rather than continuing to suppress it and impact your health Exactly.
April: 25:09
There's so many consequences to not being able to speak up for yourself or just express your needs right. You're someone who lives, I would say, a life that a lot of people wouldn't assume is possible as an HSV you talked about. You're in the internship after you moved to California and you're working so hard, trying to be what others expected of you. But you tore that all down in a really exciting way and started to live in more alignment with your emotional, sensitive, intuitive self. And now you're an entrepreneur. You run a business while also being a parent.
April: 25:44
So all these things that a lot of people would assume, even in any one of those wouldn't be possible for an HSV. To do something outside the box, to run a business, to be a parent we're skirting around living life more fully as an HSV, living more in alignment with our true selves, our true natures. How can we do that without getting overwhelmed? Because when we put it on paper, it sounds like that could be pretty overwhelming. But yeah, I see you out here living a life that seems really fulfilling, not perfect, but fulfilling.
Alissa: 26:16
Yeah, it does feel really fulfilling and there's definitely a few things at play when I think about it. One, of course, the overwhelm piece, is real and I always have to check myself. And it's so essential, non-negotiable, for me to have practices in my life to reduce overwhelm. It's the meditating. And, to be honest with you, since becoming a mom, I don't meditate every single day, although that would be great. Sometimes I just put in like a walking meditation when I'm washing the dishes or something. But I always have these little practices. I love EFT tapping. I love just like putting my feet on the ground, like grounding myself, having little things that help. But even more than that, really, those tools are very important, but even more than that, it's that deeper relationship with myself and hearing about myself enough, loving myself enough to know when I'm at my limit. Because in the past, when I really didn't value who I was and I had low self-worth, I didn't have good boundaries with myself. So again, I would overwork, I would put pressure on myself to be perfect in all of the ways and that contributed to a lot of overwhelm for me because I was trying to juggle everything and be perfect at it. But now, in the season of my life and just with all I've learned, I don't expect myself to be able to do it all, and so I know that I have moments as a mom where I do get overwhelmed, and I just have to use that as an opportunity to regulate myself and know that I can do better next time. I just have realistic expectations with myself, which helps. But the other thing that's huge for me is that I think when you're living in alignment, sometimes you can do more, but it doesn't feel like more because it's pouring into your cup. That's been the biggest thing for me, because I started my business while I was still working full-time in the corporate world, and so I was waking up at five in the morning and I was working on blogging and Instagram and doing all of the things in the margins that I had, but I didn't feel tired, even though I was getting less sleep, because I was so invigorated and I was doing something that lit me up and made me really happy.
Alissa: 28:16
A lot of times, we're doing so much of what doesn't feel good. It's like taking our energy away and we're not doing enough of what fills us up. When I think about my life now, it's more full than ever, but I'm also making sure I'm adding in things that are good for me, so I'm getting out in the sun on nice days. I'm very cautious, especially about eating foods that help my blood sugar stay balanced, because I'm especially prone to getting low blood sugar and then getting hangry and anxious. I have these little things where I know how to nourish myself so you can handle more.
Alissa: 28:47
I really pulled on to this mindset belief of okay. If there's something challenging, I see it as how is this expanding me and giving me an opportunity to practice my tools? So I have a lot of chaotic moments with an almost two-year-old who's now throwing tantrums, not sleeping. Well, I just try to approach it with okay, this is giving me an opportunity to practice self-regulation. Or when I'm up with her at night okay, I'm doing the most important work by being here for my daughter, who needs me, and I'm her most important person.
April: 29:17
You're absolutely right in how we approach the overwhelm or the chaos, as you call it, right up life. It makes a huge difference For me right now. I'm having to move unexpectedly, but I'm thinking let me look at this as an opportunity instead of an inconvenience. Yes, it's an opportunity to have a reset and to find even better place to live. And if you're up with your daughter in the middle of the night, okay, maybe this is an opportunity to take care of her or be present with her. We can easily just take a moment, and it's not always accessible. But if possible, can I see this in a slightly different way? And that's what we're really talking about with everything. Can I look at how I value myself or what boundaries are available? I always think and with HSPs I have a lot of people reach out to me if only I could do that. You absolutely can.
April: 30:04
I think we take a more passive approach to life because we've always had to push ourselves to the side and we get stuck being on the side or in the background of our own lives. And yet what if we could go to our boss and say I can offer you this and this, but I'm going to need to work from home one day a week? Yes, wouldn't they want that? Of course, not everyone's receptive. If you lead with the value that you bring, same in relationship, same for yourself. Like you said, when we do more of what's meaningful to us, we can actually do more because it's energizing it's regenerative, exactly.
Alissa: 30:39
Yeah, I just get so passionate about this conversation, especially when you were saying how people say, oh, I can't do this, or I wish I could do this. And I would say my main mission is helping highly sensitive people feel confident in themselves so that they can go into the world and make a meaningful impact, because the world needs more sensitive, empathetic people that feel confident. There's enough of the non-sensitive harsh, but the reason I think a lot of times we don't feel comfortable speaking up and being ourselves is because we felt shut down and it's like we don't need anyone to give us permission to speak up. We have to take that opportunity, but it's hard. So that's why we're here. We're here to help you, because your voice is needed and you shouldn't have to live a life that doesn't feel good for you if you want to do more. We feel that way for a reason Exactly.
April: 31:29
And your sensitive gifts are so needed. I just think of all the different roles that we play in society, of healers and artists, and all the things that we bring to the table, and we have so many great ideas and such good problem solvers and emotional leaders. We need you. Yes, we really need you, and I understand there's certain limitations, but also, I think a lot of times we put the limitations on ourselves.
Alissa: 31:54
Exactly, exactly. We put the limitations on ourselves. That's where the conversation around just feeling that discomfort and knowing that sometimes we feel uncomfortable about something, not because it's the wrong thing, but because it's something new. So that uncomfortable conversation or applying for that job that you're excited about but you feel nervous, it's like sometimes that discomfort is actually it's good and we have to see it as an opportunity. Okay, I'm gonna. How can I hold myself through this and see what happens? And it could be the best thing on the other side of it.
April: 32:27
I think we it sounds like we both are living examples of that. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Both of us have taken kind of big risks, moved across the country and gotten a little uncomfortable for be able to do more meaningful work to allow our sensitive guests to come through, and it sounds like we both want to inspire others to do the same. Absolutely yeah. Yeah, it's important. I'm just thinking about because it's been a long journey for me I'm not sure about for you to get here.
Alissa: 32:57
Yeah, oh yeah I'm just thinking what would?
April: 33:00
what was your first step in reclaiming your worth as an HSP?
Alissa: 33:05
For me, the first step was really when I learned about what it meant to be a highly sensitive person and educating me myself about the trait and just starting to learn about how I work as a sensitive person.
Alissa: 33:20
It gave me awareness that I didn't have before, and it's one of those things that you can't unlearn. Once you have this information, you can do with it what you will, but it's not something that you will forget. So I always think that's a great first step, is like awareness, and that also gave me hope that I could feel a different way, because when I felt like I was actually part of a group of people that were like me and it was the first time I actually felt, oh, I could actually belong somewhere, I don't know, I just felt a lot of hope. And the other piece of it, too, within that book that was really inspiring for me was just how she talked so much about the gifts of being highly sensitive and the intuitive gifts that we often have, and there was something that clicked for me then, too, where it was learning these things. It made me see the sensitivity in a different light that I'd never seen before.
April: 34:07
It's so empowering to learn more about yourself and your trait. It helps you rewrite those messages that sensitivity is weak or that you have to be different. You talked about being more in alignment. What does that look like? How do I know if I'm in alignment?
Alissa: 34:24
Sometimes it can be helpful to know when you're not in alignment Before I started blogging. So I started blogging and talking about being highly sensitive in 2019. Before that, I was just working in the corporate retail world. I was dating my now husband and I was happy and things were good on paper, but I always had this low level of anxiety. I just felt like something just felt off in me, even though there was nothing wrong. I had to convince myself that what I was doing in terms of my work, I had to convince myself that I like it and it was the role for me. And it's so funny because I had some really good friends who were, and I would always say to them oh, I'm not creative, I'm not creative.
Alissa: 35:03
But the funny thing is, growing up, I was always drawing, I was always making my own little books and I designed the cover for my elementary school yearbook. I've always been a creative person, but I suppressed that part of me and so when I started, I had this little inkling in my mind like, oh, you should start writing, you should start writing. As soon as I started doing that, so much of that anxiety and discomfort started to go away. It feels it sounds weird, but something clicked into place and then I felt that surge of energy that I hadn't felt before, where I felt invigorated and lit up and I was like I just want to do this all the time. I didn't know until I knew, so being in alignment, now I'm five years in I do feel very lit up, almost all the time about what I do.
Alissa: 35:48
I feel really good about it still. That doesn't mean that it's not hard sometimes or it's oh, I have to do things that I don't love, but to me it's just energizing and it feels calm and grounded. Energizing and calm and grounded at the same time.
April: 36:00
It's both right, Because you're saying like when you weren't in alignment, there was this buzz, this background noise, this anxiety, that it's like something is not right. Yes, how did that anxiety presented itself? Because there's so many different flavors of anxiety that sounds like this was more about I'm disconnected from a part of myself or what I'm supposed to be doing. How did you notice the anxiety?
Alissa: 36:25
Yeah, it felt for me. I felt like I was almost always like seeking something to Make that feeling go away, if that makes sense. So I started to notice that I was feeling I would feel better if I listened to more podcasts that were of self-help and I felt better if I was reading a book. I was reaching for something. It almost felt like I was hungry and I was trying to nourish myself. So I would find these different things that kind of soothed it.
Alissa: 36:49
It's so hard to describe it just felt like something was off and missing and I felt like a yearning, exactly like I couldn't get enough, but it didn't fill the void because I needed to be creating things like this.
April: 37:01
Not just consuming other people's creativity.
Alissa: 37:04
Yes, because I also would have noticed myself feeling jealous sometimes and being like, oh, I could do that too. But then I would have a thought like but who am I to do that, what do I know, kind of thing. But that was there and eventually I couldn't quiet that voice. It was like, okay, fine, I'll just try and see what happens.
April: 37:20
That's such an important thing, though, that usually there is some Inner voice or some inner knowing that's calling out to us. But for folks that are on this journey, just notice where your attention wants to go. Yes, what podcast are you listening to? What books are you reading? Who do you feel jealous of or who do you feel drawn to? That's the sign.
Alissa: 37:42
Your intuition speaks to you and it gives you these little nuggets, these little clues. It is often in the form of curiosity and what you're listening to and reading.
April: 37:50
Yeah, the answers are there. Is your body telling you that something is off? Through digestive issues, headaches, your emotions feel out of balance. Something is saying, oh, I need to change. And then be curious when are you drawn to learn more about yourself as a sensitive person? Start to practice listening to that inner voice, even if you don't do anything with that. At first, just listen and then in those spare moments Can you Create a little bit of space to do something you love and then maybe over time that gets to grow. Yes, exactly.
Alissa: 38:23
That was your process, absolutely. I'm getting curious about this. I'm gonna finally listen to this nudge, see what happens. And there was no expectations on it. It was always just meant to be a fun little hobby and it went from there and it was brought on by experiencing so much pain and then being inspired by what I had learned as I navigated. The pain that you know led me to want to write about it, and a lot of times, I think that's where we're finding our greatest purposes. Oh, we went through something hard and we learned from it, and then we're inspired To do something better for others as a result.
April: 39:00
Exactly. There's this quote that I really love by Sean corn she's a you teacher that says find your wound, find your purpose. Yes, I just love that. It feels so accurate for me.
Alissa: 39:11
It is, that's so good. I know a lot of highly sensitive people will feel like, oh, it's so hard to be me. Life is hard if dealt with all of these challenges. But which is, you know, valid and true. But when you have that perspective of, okay, find your wound, find your purpose, it gives so much more meaning to it. It's not all just to make your life worse. What if there's actually something for you here and that's always what I found it's like the hardest things there's always something that comes from it that I'm like, wow, thank goodness, I learned that, even though it was really hard to go through.
April: 39:41
Absolutely. It's the fuel that can drive us to today or drive us toward our purpose or the next stage of our lives. And not believing that sensitivity is a weakness, you actually have a lot of resiliency, more so than you ever realize. And then we can use that yes, move forward, yeah, and then know that you're not stuck in the overwhelm, in the burnout, in the stress. That's not the only story.
Alissa: 40:05
That's exactly, yeah, we can feel that and we can choose how we want to move forward with it exactly and let it be imperfect.
April: 40:13
Let's how you take care of yourself. Being perfect, still enough, and let your journey be imperfect. You will allow yourself time to get there and have those ebbs and flows, and allow yourself to have those messy conversations and Figure it out along the way, it's okay.
Alissa: 40:28
I absolutely couldn't agree more.
April: 40:31
So I'm curious if there's one message that you could share with HSPs who are Struggling with really valuing themselves. What would that be?
Alissa: 40:40
that you don't have to change who you are in order to be a good enough, worthy, valuable person. The way you are already as a sensitive, empathetic, emotional person is perfect. I used to think that I had to be somebody who just didn't care and was super outgoing and Just always knew the right things to say, and actually what made me feel more confident and, I know, has others view me in that way as well is that I just embrace who I am and I'm like yep, I'm quirky sometimes and more introverted, and that's okay, and so I just want to offer that you don't have to change who you are. The way you are is perfect. It's just you seeing the value in the way that you are right now.
April: 41:20
That's it. You're perfect just as you are. Yes, I need to change anything. Thank you so much for this conversation. I really value Hearing more about your story and getting to connect more with you. I know you have an empath archetype quiz. I'll include that in the show notes for folks to check that out. How else can people keep in touch with you?
Alissa: 41:37
I'm on Instagram at life by Alyssa. You'll find lots of content there. I also have a podcast. That's all linked in my Instagram bio.
April: 41:52
Thanks so much for joining me and Alyssa for today's conversation. I hope you'll remember that you're enough just as you are. You don't have to give more than you have. If you enjoyed this episode, Subscribe to the sensitive stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind-the-scenes content and more HSP resources. You can sign up for my email list or follow sensitive strengths on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitive stories comm for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.
